Misted Memories
by Rose Lupin 41319
Summary: All Castle wanted was for his wife to wake up, for her to come home, and for everything to go back to normal. But what he got was far from normality. Spoilers from all seasons.
1. Chapter 1- Introduction

**An well hello Castle fandom! I have been wanting to write a story for Castle for some time but between school and nerves I haven't had the chance. But here it is ...**

 **Disclamer : I do not own Castle. Nor the Holby City characters who I have borrowed for this fic. They don't have a main part and are merely here because I simply couldn't write a hospital scene without them.**

 _ **Introduction**_

Darkness.

Darkness, deeper ,darker, more overpowering than she had ever felt before. She could hear his voice, softer, smoother, like silk. It was hovering in the distance fighting to pull her out of the enclosing force around her.

And suddenly she was falling, falling , falling ...

Her hands caught on the edge of a rooftop. Castle. She screamed. She struggled. Castle. But he didn't come. He didn't come and she fell...

She landed in a freezer. Coldness over took her. She spun desperate to find him but instead she came face to face with a tiger. A tiger that wasn't supposed to be there. A tiger that pounced.

Darkness. His voice still present. Whispering but desperate. Trying to save her.

She was standing on a podium, back in the graveyard. She knew what was coming this time, but her feet wouldn't move. She turned and twisted desperate to duck, to dive , to avoid the bullet that she knew was coming. But she was frozen. She braced herself for impact. Castle would try to save her. He always did. Always. But this time, he didn't.

Somewhere floating in the distance of a dark sea his voice called her again. The waves rose and crashed over her. She had to find him. She had to get out.

A small light appeared before her. Mocking her and dodging every attempt she made to grasp it. His voice called again , stronger this time, forcing her to push forward with every strength in her being until finally, she reached it.

Castle ran has hand gently through his wife's hair, leaving the palm against her cheek. "Come on Kate," he whispered, "you can do this come on."

It had become some what of a habit, a ritual. Castle would greet his wife, take his seat and plead that she wake up. Then he would sit back, her small hand in his, and tell her about his day.

The writer in him ensured that every detail fell from his lips, from what Amelia and James had for breakfast to how Melody had slept. He made sure to stop by at every spare moment, and brought their children in to see her every day -after school and nursery. Now , Saturday 6th of April, Castle was waiting for a call from Alexis who had taken the children out for their "siblings day".

They took it surprisingly well. Got their strength from their mother. James had cried the first time when his mum refused to open her eyes but since that traumatic day tears had been kept to a minimum. Well among the children away. Not including Melody but at six months old what more could he expect?

"Alexis is at the park with the other three," Castle informed his wife, "who knows what trouble Jame's will get into this time? Three years old and he's already giving his mum a run for her money. I'm kidding Rebel Bex."

He scanned Kate's face, analysing every inch as though instructed to memorise it. Not that he hadn't already.

Twitch.

"Kate?" Castle whispered, resuming his delicate caress of his wife's cheek, doing his best to keep all emotion at bay. Twitch. Her eyelids fluttered again.

He knew deep down that they shouldn't be too hopeful. He had learnt that the first time his wife opened her eyes only to shut them seconds later. This would be the third time in the month that she had been in a coma that something like this had happened.

But despite himself Castle bent forward and whispered into his wife's ear, "third times a charm Kate."

He gasped as her eyes blinked open.

If you had asked Richard Castle what the most terrifying moment in his life had been he would probably have struggled to give a straight answer. Being shot at, almost dying multiple times, watching the love of his life die, various kidnappings etc. But right at that very moment he was sure he had never been more scared in his life.

Kate locked eyes with him. Relief, confusion, shock, panic, flashed across her face. Before he could blink she began to choke and thrash around in the bed. Machines squealed, his heart plummeted, doctors rushed in and chaos ensued.

He felt himself being rushed out of the room, too shocked to do much in protest.

Time seemed to stand still. No Castle corrected. His world had stopped spinning, his every sense zoned in on the door that stood before him, blocking him from the love of his life. But everyone else's lives continued to go on. The clock persistently ticking on the wall behind him reminded him of that.

Hours seemed to pass but it could have been minutes before the door opened. A nurse, that Castle recognised as Colette, the kind smiled gentle woman who had read Castle's books to Kate when she had time, pushed her way into the room.

Castle rose from his seat and swallowed back the fear that was clawing to escape him as he whispered, "How is she?"

Kate's eyes snapped open. Her gaze immediately scanned the room in search of her partner but instead fell upon a young female. Without warning a tight coil wrapped around her chest trapping all air inside her.

The woman stepped forward and clasped Kate's hand in her own. "It's all right, you're in hospital, your partner's just outside, it's alright." The woman's calming voice and light grip on Kate's hand slowly began to untangle the coil inside her as she felt her breathing return to normal.

Now finally calm Kate pulled her hand out of the strangers grasp and took a good look at her for the first time.

An air of confidence surrounded the stranger, not overpowering and self centred, no but self confidence. Between this and her location Kate was prepared to bet a weeks wages that she was a doctor. But no scrubs, that was interesting, no stethoscope either.

That could only mean-

"Welcome back. I'm Doctor March, psychiatrist, and I just have a few questions to go through with you." Yup just what Kate thought.

"I apologise for the rude awakening but really the quicker I get this done the quicker I'll be out of your hair and your family can come in. Do you feel fit enough to start?"

Kate immediately liked the woman, surprisingly enough. She was straight to the point, direct and completely right. Kate had only been in the hospital for what she assumed to have been a couple of hours at most and already she wanted to leave. Get back to work. Or more importantly see Castle.

"Sure," Kate attempted to sit up a little straighter but failed miserably. Instead she waved her hand to tell Doctor March to start her mind probing.

"You will have to excuse me if some of these questions seem terribly simple but after an incident like yours we have to check for memory loss. Hence, why I asked your family to stay outside the room. If you have suffered some memory loss, no matter how small, it would, I'm sure you agree , be better for everyone if you know first before seeing them?" The doctor seemed to have lost her confidence now and with a quick glance over it was obvious that she hadn't been out of school for long. To put the woman at ease Kate smiled weakly in agreement .

This seemed to work as Doctor March clipped her pen, poised to begin. "What is your full name?" She asked.

Kate tightened her hold on the thin duvet covering her, unsure as to when she wrapped the material in her tight fists. "Katherine Houghton Beckett." She was shocked to find that she had to force every syllable .

A small crease appeared across the psychiatrists' brow as she took note. "Okay then Miss Beckett what age are you?"

Kate sighed, "Thirty three."

A deeper frown, more scribbling. Doctor March looked up and asked "What year is it?"

Kate rolled her eyes, "Monday the 22nd of February 2013." Every letter was still causing her some pain but she did her best to hide her grimace.

At this Doctor March turned and sat down on one of the four seats surrounding Kate's bed. "Last few question Miss Beckett." She promised. "What university did you attend?"

"Standford," Kate tried to calm the tightening in her chest at the look of worry on the fellow woman's face. What had she answered so wrongly?

Doctor March nodded. "And what is your occupation now?" She asked.

Kate couldn't keep the proudness from her voice, "A detective at the 12th precinct."

"Okay and final question. What is the last thing that you remember before waking up here?" Doctor March asked, her pen standing ready to take down every detail of Kate's answer.

Kate swallowed. "I had just got home from work with my partner Richard Castle. It had been a somewhat difficult day since , well you've probably heard about it in the news or read it my notes or something-"

"Please Miss Beckett for the record." The doctor interrupted as she crossed her legs and lent forward in her seat slightly.

"Well I was stuck standing on a bomb for hours ,what I guess must have been yesterday judging by the clock on the wall. Anyway I was fine, we were fine and home, safe..." Kate drifted off for a moment before taking a deep breathe and continuing, "But I started to feel dizzy. I hadn't eaten or drank anything all day and what with the stress and the standing. I fainted. Dehydration I suppose. Then I woke up here."

A sombre expression crossed Doctor March's face as she clipped her pen to her clipboard and placed it on the floor beside a newspaper. She froze for mere seconds her hand floating in the air before she picked up the paper and held it in her lap. It was only then that she met the detective's gaze. "There's no easy way to say this Miss Beckett but you have been in a coma for a month. And-"

The doctor was cut off by a shocked gasp from Kate, "What! I don't have a brain injury do I ?"

"You did have some swelling yes but it was dealt with and since then all of the scans have been clear. But," the young psychiatrist swallowed as she met the detectives terrified gaze, knowing she was only going to make her feel worse, "you do seem to have faced some significant memory loss."

"I don't understand I remember everything up to and including the accident!" Kate spluttered, her throat burning from the friction of each terrified letter rushing out.

"Yes," Doctor March breathed slowly and unfolded the newspaper still perched in her lap. "But the accident you speak of was not the incident that brought you here Miss Beckett."

At this she offered the paper to the older woman and sat back in the plastic seat.

Kate all but fainted as she took the paper in her shaking hands and read the date.

03/27/2021

 **I have done a lot of research but I am not a trained doctor as of yet (who knows what the future holds) anyway if I have made any mistakes please feel free to point them out. Reviews are more than welcome.**


	2. Chapter 2 - The bravest tears

**An Thank you so much to everyone who has reveiwed/followed/favourited this story I was so take aback by the positive response that this story has received.**

Castle felt the familiar cold metal of the door handle connect with his hand as he took yet another forced step forward.

One half of him was screaming to run into the room and pull his wife into a long embrace. The other wanted to find a bottle of fine scotch. But each time he went to do either he had to remind himself not to be so bloody selfish.

He needed to be strong for his children, for his wife. There was no point in hiding. Plus the later would seriously not appreciate him bursting into the room as though everything was okay, when in reality it wasn't.

He had spent the last month praying to a god he wasn't sure existed that Kate would wake up. He hadn't even thought past the moment her blue eyes would meet his. He hadn't thought about all of the complications that could follow.

Just let her be alive. Just let her wake up. Just let her come home.

Well at least he had two of the three for now and according to the doctors he would have the third soon enough. They would have the third he corrected.

With one final breath Castle pushed down the handle that had suddenly gained 10 pounds from yesterday and felt the door open before him.

He wasn't sure what he was expecting to see, to feel, but it certainly wasn't this.

Kate, who in the last decade he had only seen cry a handful of times was sobbing so heavily she was struggling for breath. Her fists were knotted in the thin quilt covering her. Lines still connecting her body to the machines that's constant noise he no longer registered (though he did notice the absence of the breathing pump) were still present.

He had pictured the moment he would be reunited with his wife and never once had he imagined it would be like this. Heartbreaking.

He wasn't sure when it was that he had started to cry. He had done that a lot recently. At night with her pillow in his grasp, their children safely asleep. In the mornings when six year old Amelia would ask if her mommy would have had enough sleep today and wake up. Countless times in the very room that he now stood frozen in.

Despite the answer to his tears being granted. Despite the fact that under any other circumstance or way this moment could have planned out he would be smiling with tears of joy. He stood there in despair.

A muffled noise from the bed before him snapped Castle back to the present. Cursing himself once more he wiped his eyes and took step after step towards his chair.

Not daring to look Kate in the eye he collapsed onto the thin plastic and buried his head in his hands.

Silence.

"Castle?" every letter seemed to have caused his wife pain but the sound of her voice, the voice that he had been preparing to never hear again caused water to pool once more. But he wouldn't let another drop fall. Not when she needed him most.

No he had shed his last tear. He was done with the last month of hopelessness. She needed him, it was clear even from within those six fought out letters that Kate needed him, and he would not fail her now.

Without second thought Castle reached out for her hand, covered it with his own and met her gaze.

"Oh Kate," he whispered his free hand rising to cup her cheek like he had been what felt like hours before when those gorgeous eyes had stared back at him. "I missed you." he seemed to have enough sanity left not to go shouting his love to her at this moment in time even though promises of forever and always were ready to burst from him.

A small smile graced her tear stained face as she slowly slipped each digit between his own. "Silver fox suits you Castle," she croaked.

Castle couldn't help the small smirk and subconscious run of his hand through his greying hair at her comment. "Yeah it took you a while to convince me but I think that I'm finally getting used to it. Its got a lot greyer in the last month though."

Beckett bowed her head slightly, became fascinated with a stain on the floor.

"I'm sorry," Castle and Beckett confessed at the same time.

"Some things never change I guess," Kate muttered as she began to twist a price of threading linen around her finger

"Nope, Amelia and James think it's hilarious," Castle smirked, "They call us twins. I've tried to explain how that isn't quite how it works but-" he froze as. He could do nothing to stop the tears gathering once more in Kate's eyes, watching as she forced them not to fall. Forever strong.

"What sort of mother forgets her children?" she choked, "What sort of wife forgets ever being married?"

Castle gathered the bravest tears with his thumb his head lowering towards hers so that she couldn't escape looking at him. "No Kate don't you even think like that for a second. You never asked for the coma nor the memory loss. I don't blame you for that and I know that no one else does either. This isn't going to be easy sweetheart but together we are going to get through this, me, you, and our children who love and miss their mum so very much, I can promise you that."

"What are they like Rick?" she whispered.

Castle blinked. His entire mind became a white canvas. How was he supposed to explain his three children to the woman who gave birth to them? To the woman who spent every single second making sure that all of them were happy?

A sharp rattle on the door disrupted his non-existent response followed swiftly by the psychiatrist and an older man who he recognised as Kate's surgeon entering the room.

Castle took Kate's hand tightly in his own and leant back slightly, feeling her tense beside him as the neurologist began to speak.

"Good Afternoon Miss Beckett I am pleased to see that you are awake . I am Doctor Guy Self," he introduced, "and I performed your surgery to remove the swelling in your brain."

"Well thank you I guess," Kate murmured.

Doctor Self nodded with a small smile before beginning again, "Well I have some good news. I've taken another look at your scans and there is definitely nothing present in them that is causing the memory loss. I believe that what you are experiencing is a side effect of your brain rattling around in your skull when you fell. Which, I know sounds serious but I've dealt with all of the physical damage that can be fixed the rest I'm afraid is up to you."

Kate felt Castle's sigh of relief and could tell he was trying to meet her gaze. She didn't turn. Not when she knew that those three letters were crouched and ready to pounce.

"But," (there they were), "we just have a few checks to make sure that all is well and if so I don't see any reason why you won't be able to leave in about two weeks."

Kate groaned. She definitely wasn't sure on the going home part, wherever home was now anyway, but anything was better than being stuck in a white cave with probing questions flying from all directions.

The male doctor approached the bed. "If you could hold your hands out for me Miss Beckett?" he paused as she did as she was told, "Okay now push against mine."

Kate did so easily.

"Okay good now could you move your toes for me?"

Kate waited until Doctor March had pulled the sheets away from her feet before she commanded her toes to move.

The neurologist nodded in approval, "Okay," he paused removing a metal stick from his pocket. "Can you feel this?"

He ran the stick along the bottom of her feet causing Kate to kick out, "Yes." She stated the obvious.

Doctor Self put the metal object back in his pocket before looking up at the couple. "Well all looks good," he began, "You don't appear to have any problems with paralysis however after being in a coma for a month it is normal to face some muscle deprivation."

"What does that mean?" Castle interrupted, panic clear in every syllable he spluttered.

"Well, due to the fact that the muscles have gone unused they tend to weaken. Now this is nothing to worry about as with some medication and regular exercise they can easily be built up again. But, I would recommend that you prepare yourself for the almost certain possibility that you could be wheelchair bound for a couple of months Miss Beckett." The doctor explained.

Silence shook the room. Castle once again tried to meet Kate's gaze but Kate refused to turn her head. She did squeeze his hand however which he took as a sign that she was indeed not planning on shutting him out completely.

After giving the couple a few moments to let the information sink in Doctor Self spoke again, "Now I have recommended you to our physiotherapy team who will no doubt want weekly appointments with you. But it appears that my job here is indeed done. I wish you both the best of luck and encourage you to remember that there is reason for hope here. I shall leave you in the capable hands of Doctor March and if there are any questions that you wish to ask please feel free to request that one of the nurses send for me."

With words of wheelchair bound, appointments, but nevertheless; hope, still floating in the air, Doctor Self turned and left with a fatherly pat on the shoulder of Doctor March. So they weren't the only ones with an awkward work relationship Kate mused.

Then it hit her. Was she even still a detective? Had she made Captain? Did Castle still follow her around for "research" or as he would say because he liked to "play cop"? How many books had he written now?

As though reading her mind Castle leaned in towards her and whispered, "Guess we aren't the only ones with an awkward working relationship then?"

At this Kate turned and met his persistent gaze for the first time since the doctors had entered the room. She could see the fear and worry in his deep blue eyes ;the only part of him that hadn't changed. On the surface that was. For he still appeared to be the caring loving man-child who hid behind his coping mechanism of humour, on the inside.

Castle despite all that had happened was still her Castle. He had once more proven that she needed him at her side. Always.

"I'll try to keep this brief, give you both some time together to process everything." Castle and Beckett turned to the uneasy doctor at the foot of the bed who's presence they had almost completely forgotten about.

Doctor March took this as her cue to begin.

"Well Miss Beckett you appear to have a case of retrograde amnesia. Now whilst I am sure that everything at this point feels terrible I think that it would be good for you to know that you are in fact very lucky. Some people when faced with this condition experience memory loss so serious that they forget who they are. I only say this to give you perspective and as Doctor Self just said, hope. You can get past this."

Castle and Beckett nodded in acceptance before the psychiatrist continued.

"Well that said your case is rather uncommon. There is no definites in dealing with the psychiatric ways of the mind so you have some options. You could take some pills which in some cases have helped, visit a psychologist regularly who can take you through various measures, or you could go through different steps at home with the help of your family to try to regain your memory. You can of course do a combination of the three. At this point I would also like you both to remember that it is unlikely that Miss Beckett will remember every single detail of the memories that she has lost. But, the main events and the feelings, relationships and connections that come with them are well within reach." The doctor explained everything with solid belief and clear knowledge yet once more an uneasy silence devoured the room.

Castle felt his mind spinning trying to process all of the information that had been blasted at his partner and him for the last ten minutes and couldn't imagine how Kate must be feeling. He squeezed her hand gently.

"I appreciate that you both must be finding it hard to cope with all of this new information so I will leave you with some leaflets and give you time to discuss. Remember that I'm only a call away." At this Doctor March gave a genuine smile, turned and left leaving the leaflets on a small wooden table at the bottom of the bed.

Castle swallowed, opened his mouth to say something then realised that he had no words ready. Instead he bent down and kissed Kate on the head. "I'm so sorry Kate," he whispered despite himself.

"Sorry? You are sorry? What the hell have you got to be sorry for Rick?" I'm the one who lost all memory of their children, I'm the one who left you alone for two months, I'm the one who..." It was only now in the middle of a frustrated outcry that Kate realised it. "What happened to me Castle?"

Castle dropped his gaze to the watch strapped to his wrist drawing Kate's gaze towards it for the first time. Her father's watch.

"I urm-" Castle began only to be cut off by a buzzing from his pocket. He removed some fancy iPhone who knows what number and stared blankly at the screen for three persistent buzzes before he seemed to register who it was.

"It's Alexis," he informed Kate whilst rising to his feet, "I better answer it, she's with the other three at the park. Bad reception in here." With a jumble of words and stumbling footsteps Castle made his way to the door, turned to give Kate one last look, and left.

The air was thick with the absence of answers, of solutions. They barely even knew the questions.

 **An some adjusted song lyrics at the end there because I simply couldn't help myself. Reviews are very much appreciated.**


	3. Chapter 3- The proudest smiles

**An life just refused to let this chapter be written.**

Kate was asleep by the time Castle returned to her room. He had only been gone for about twenty minutes butapparently she had been exhausted.

He couldn't deny the fear he had felt when he opened the door to find her lying with her eyes shut once more but after she let out her usual stuttered snort that she made every twenty breathes Castle could safely say that she was merely asleep.

He slid as silently as possible into his chair and once more took her hand in his own. They had about an hour before Alexis would arrive with their children and he wanted to prepare Kate first. So he would give her half an hours rest then wake her up. She let out another snort. Okay forty five minutes if it meant that he could watch her breathe gently in sleep looking like an angel who would definitely open her eyes when he asked.

Castle awoke to an impatient buzzing from his pocket. Reaching absent mindedly inside he removed his phone and slid the call button. "Castle," he yawned.

"Dad I'm outside and you didn't reply to my texts- I've got to go- come get- bad signal- " Alexis stuttered through the phone.

Castle groaned and stretched. The position he had been lying in had been anything but comfortable yet he had fallen into one of the best sleeps he had had in weeks. He groaned once more, rising slowly to his feet only to drop Kate's hand from his lap.

She sprung awake, confused and dazed, a similar look mirrored on his own face.

"Sorry I didn't mean to wake you," he apologised.

"It's fine Castle I wasn't really sleeping," Kate mumbled. Truth be told the buzzing in her head was so violent sleep had seemed impossible so she had merely shut her eyes and focused on her breathing. At least then the buzzing calmed to a distant humming.

Castle sighed and sat back down. Alexis could wait a couple of more minutes.

"You have no idea how long I've wanted to be able to open my eyes and see your beautiful ones staring back at me without the squeal of "I'm going to be late for Kindergarten!"accompanying them." He confessed as he reached over to stroke her hair away from her face.

Kate sighed, and leant against his touch. "Hmmm," she mumbled, "What is it with your children turning out to be super responsible?" She joked.

Castle hadn't expected her to be able to speak so openly about their children so quickly no matter making a joke of it but, he supposed, perhaps she was simply using his coping mechanism. Either way he was more than happy to join in.

"Oh I don't know about that. James is more of a cheeky little monkey sometimes. He even tried hiding his shoes when I told him that we were going to drop Amelia off at Kindergarten."

Kate laughed gently, "Maybe just the girls then?"

Castle's phone suddenly buzzed angrily from his pocket. Groaning he removed it once more and only seemed to remember that Alexis was still outside after seeing her picture appear on the screen.

"Sorry," he apologised, "Alexis is outside she has to go somewhere so I've got to go and get the others. I wanted a chance for us to talk about this first but-"

And just like that the small bubble that was forming burst. Kate broke their eye contact and noticeably tensed under his hand.

Castle opened his mouth to utter an apology but before he could Kate forced out.

"We can't just pretend it didn't happen Castle. I'm not going to brake I promise you that. Even the me in my timeframe is in no way going to shut you out. You or our children. I'm not going to lie to you, I'm terrified and right now part of me wants to run. Like I always do." Castle looked terrified for a second before she continued, "Don't panic Castle. I'm not going anywhere. I wouldn't physically run away even if I could. I don't know what you want to call it motherly instinct or something but I really want to see them Rick. I can't describe it but I just do."

Castle swallowed his apology and instead reached for her cheek, cradling it in his palm.

"I believe you Kate, I do, but I just want you to know that I'm here okay. The man you know is still by your side even if he looks a little more rugged and a little less handsome"

"Still handsome Castle." she smirked despite the tears forming.

Castle gave her a concerned look before he seemed to release that his daughter sounded to be in a rush and he really needed to go.

Nodding he made his way to the door and into the maze of corridors that he now knew like the back of his hand. Once more leaving a terrified Kate behind the door.

Kate sighed. She shook her head and dropped it into her hands.

She felt all at once like she was drowning in emotion. Grief; for the life that she'd lost. Anger; at herself and at the universe for flipping her life upside down just as she was happy again. Sorrow; deep sorrow, cutting through her chest.

Taking deep breaths she closed her eyes and tried to calm her racing heat. Castle never thought less of her, that much was true, but did she really know him? In her head she was still desperate for some sort of direction to be taken in their relationship. She loved him. She was sure of that too but they never seemed to talk about the future. She truly had no incline as to what it would look like. But her future, their future was about to walk through the door and she couldn't truly say she was prepared to see it. Because then it would be real.

Her hands formed fists as she sat up just a little straighter. This Kate Beckett that she had woken up to be couldn't just run away herself to lick her wounds, couldn't even confess her fears to her partner even if she knew how to put them into words. For if Castle's misty eyes were anything to go by he was just as terrified as she was. So she would stay strong, she would fight her fears and she would make up for all the wrongs she had committed.

The door opened before Kate had a chance to truly prepare herself for what would be on the other side.

"Mummy!" a small voice squealed.

Kate craned her neck to catch a glimpse of a small minute version of Castle dressed in a blue shirt and black pants with some sort of stain down the front.

"James!" warned her partner from the doorway where he was struggling to pick up a small baby blanket that James had obviously somehow managed to knock to the floor.

"James! Daddy said not to make too much noise," another small voice, a girls this time shouted from behind Castle who had eventually managed to pick up the blanket without dropping the car seat in which Melody slept.

"Mummy," her son whispered so quietly she could barely hear him as he used the covers to pull himself up onto the bed giving her a good view of him for the first time.

With one look at his grinning face you could certainly tell who his father was. From his eyes to his slightly tousled hair James was certainly a Castle. Up close she could practically smell the peanut butter ice cream that he had obviously had for lunch and spilled all down his front. Oh yes most definitely Richard Castle's son.

Amelia who had been helping Castle with sorting out her sister's blanket suddenly appeared by Kate's side climbing easily onto the bed as though she had done so hundreds of times before. There was a good chance she had Kate realised with a pang of guilt.

"How are you mummy?" Amelia asked swinging her legs from the bed as though this was a normal Saturday afternoon activity. Oh how little she knew.

"I'm feeling a lot better thank you Amelia," Kate replied switching her gaze between each member of her family, "how are you?"

"I'm feeling fantastic because you are awake which means that James will stop asking me when you will wake up and Melody will stop crying and so will Daddy and we can all get back to being normal and happy again. You are going to stay awake aren't you?"

Amelia's rambling tore Kate's heart apart. Every single description of how life had been before added an extra weight to her chest as she felt her self slowly sinking inwards.

"Yeah Amelia I'm coming home soon," Kate promised reaching out for the girls swinging pigtails. Her hair was the same colour as her own, in fact practically everything about her screamed Kate Beckett. Kate Castle she corrected.

A sharp thud to her chest broke Kate from her thoughts. She looked down to see a mess of chestnut hair trying to tuck itself as close to her as possible. She steadied her son into her chest and looked over to Castle. He smiled back reassuringly from where he stood by the window rocking Melody gently.

Kate slowly started to run her hand in soothing circles along James back. "You okay?" she asked concern obvious.

He nodded against her, "Missed you," he mumbled.

Kate sighed and pulled him closer, "I missed you too," I've missed everything she added in her head.

"Mummy?" asked Amelia from the bottom of the bed. Her legs continued to swing but her head was tucked down, her pigtails no longer swaying. "Can I get a hug too?"

"Of course you can," Kate held out her arm and Amelia slotted herself beside her clinging to her tightly.

Kate buried her head in her children's hair and fought to keep tears at bay. She looked over to Castle which was in hindsight probably not a good idea because seeing the tears spilling down his cheeks as he lamely tried to gather them with his free hand broke her completely.

It only took a couple of seconds before Amelia and James pulled back looking both terrified and concerned.

"Did we hurt you mummy?" James asked springing back as though any point of contact would cause her pain.

Amelia meanwhile bent forward and tried to catch Kate's tears within her small palms. "What's the matter?" she asked.

Kate smiled at her oldest daughter only now realising that she had Castle's eyes. "I'm okay sweety," she reassured her, "just happy tears that's all. Just happy that I get to be so lucky to have the four of you."

"Is Daddy happy too?" James asked looking up to his father.

"Yeah son Daddy's happy too," Castle stuttered, stopping his gentle rocking and placing the car seat gently on the plastic chair beside him before taking a seat in the one next to it and leaning forward to take Kate's hand.

James seemed to accept this as he turned to his parents with a cheeky grin on his face. Oh he was Castles son alright.

"Knock Knock," he shouted completely unaware of his sudden raise in volume.

Kate looked confused towards Castle, who turned to James and asked "Who's there?"

"No its Mummy's turn!" James demanded bouncing slightly.

"Who's there?" Kate asked the smile on her face growing.

"Bananana," James rambled all of the syllables tumbling over themselves.

"Banana who?" Kate answered as Amelia who had resumed her spot under Kate's arm rolled her eyes and mouthed along with her brother.

"Banana split!" James seemed to think that this was positively hilarious as he rolled back laughing hysterically so much so that he lost his balance and tumbled off of the bed.

Castle immediately jumped to his feet, Kate instinctively trying to do the same winced at the sudden movement.

"I'm okay!" James sprung to his feet dusting off his trousers even though the floor was perfectly clean, "I'm okay."

A sudden wail overtook the room as from the car seat Melody decided that she on the other hand was not.

Castle made his way over and took her out of the seat cradling her in his arms. The wailing continued as he gently tried to shush her to no avail.

James covered his ears and made his way back towards Kate whilst Castle began to pace the room. Kate felt a strange tensing somewhere in her gut. Mothers instinct maybe? Either way she sighed and whispered, "Castle?"

Her partner seemed to miraculously hear her over the cries and spun to face her.

"Can I try?" she asked unsure yet sitting up slightly and unwrapping her arm from where she was clinging to Amelia.

Castle nodded shock obvious in his eyes as he approached the bed and laid the baby in her mother's open arms. Kate didn't have the strength to support her with her arms alone so used her current lying position to balance the baby against her chest.

Castle picked James up from where he had been clambering to get on to the bed again and pulled him into his lap as he sat down whilst Amelia reached over to her sister and tried to help Kate in shushing her.

Castle watched in surprise as Kate slowly began to calm down their daughter by her gentle voice alone just like she had done for the first five months of the girl's life.

Melody had been a nightmare to get to sleep since Kate fell into one herself. He had tried everything for days before, after hours of research, he came across a forum where someone had suggested to spray the missing parents perfume/aftershave on a blanket or a teddy for the child. He had tried this with Melody's stuffed elephant (the third in the set that made a small family between their children) and within minutes the six month old wailing child had fallen into a silent slumber.

Kate turned her shocked gaze from the now sleeping baby to his own and couldn't help the proud look that snuck onto her face. She had nothing to hide his pride was more than obvious.

"Knock knock!" James half shouted, causing Kate to jump slightly.

"Shhhh," Amelia corrected him glaring at her brother in a way only a Beckett would be capable of.

James immediately shut his mouth but the second his sister had turned and curled back into their mother he stuck his tongue out at her.

Kate sniggered and looked up to Castle who too was smiling. He really had had his hands full.

Just as they had slipped back into silence, the door opened.

Every head turned to see Collete standing at the door a sad smile on her face."I'm sorry but visiting time is over. I did manage to persuade them that under the circumstances we should give you an extra half an hour, but now that's up I really do have to ask you to leave," Colette spoke as though she wanted to do anything else other than that.

"But I don't want to leave," Amelia whined, pushing further into Kate. Kate sighed and turned once more to Castle looking completely lost.

Their eyes met, thousands of unsaid words and emotions flying between them.

"Hey I'll still be here tomorrow okay you and James and Melody can come see me at..."

"eleven o'clock," Castle finished for her.

"See," Kate assured her, "that's not long at all."

Amelia nodded and pulled away before twisting and sliding off of the bed. She made her way to the carseat and reached inside a side pocket pulling out a stuffed elephant from within.

It had once been bright blue but was now dimmed. The corners of its ears were slightly frayed but it had clearly been well loved.

Amelia brought it over to the bed and tucked it under the covers beside her mum.

"There," she stated content with her actions, "Ellie will look after you and that way you wont be alone."

Kate looked slightly teary eyed over to Castle, took a steadying breath and whispered "Thank you," into her daughters hair as she pulled her into a final embrace.

James clearly feeling left out slid off of Castle's lap and joined in.

Castle silently took Melody from Kate's arms and put her gently back in the seat.

"Come on you two we'll see mum tomorrow," he held open the door and with the help of Colette lifted the car seat through whilst the others gave Kate a kiss goodbye and followed.

"I'll walk the kids out," Collette offered, "give you both a minute."

Castle nodded and whispered his thanks watching in silence as the children followed their favourite nurse out.

Castle turned and reentered the room immediately rushing to Kate's side.

"You're amazing," he whispered reaching forward and palming her cheek. The emotion in his voice, in his eyes, was overpowering.

"You're the amazing one," she replied covering his hand with her own. "Putting up with those three for a month," she joked, "But in all seriousness Castle if it wasn't for you I don't think I could have done that."

Castle nodded knowing immediately what she was referring to. She couldn't have sat there and pretended that everything was normal, that she knew the two children who referred to her as mum, that she had any recollection of the baby that had stopped crying only when she held her. But what he didn't understand was where he came into it.

"I didn't do anything," he replied completely confused as to how merely sitting quietly in the corner had helped her at all.

Kate smirked, "Castle you were you. You were my constant reminder that I have to fight for the happy ending that the only we can win is if we do it together."

Castle stroked her cheek gently, "You know I said something like that once." he replied grinning slightly and looking even more like his son.

Kate smiled at the sight despite the guilt that was ever present in her chest, that tightened its coil every time someone reminded her of it.

"I don't think I'm ready for you to leave yet" she confessed, "I'm not sure that I can be alone. I'm sorry I sound pathetic it's just I-"

"No," Castle interrupted her insecurities, "not pathetic human. Plus I'm not sure I'm ready to leave you just yet either."

Kate went to say something in return but found that she had no words. She instead resumed to simply observing her partner letting their ever present connection say all the words that were needed

"I have an idea," Castle pulled away only far enough to remove his phone from his pocket. "Lanie stays only five blocks away I'm sure she won't mind taking the kids for an hour or two. I'll speak to the nurses they usually let me stay late if I'm myself and its quite. "

Kate nodded in consent.

He moved out of the room and just as far down the corner until he got a signal. He was only gone for five minutes until he returned with a victorious smile on his face.

"Lanie is on her way to pick them up just now," he informed her, "I should go down and wait with them." He sounded as though leaving the room would cause him pain. Probably because it would.

Kate nodded once more smiling to try to communicate that she would be fine. It didn't quite meet her eyes.

Reluctantly Castle smiled back before the door clicked shut behind him.

Castle moved as quickly as possible towards the main entrance.

"Daddy!" James squealed as he turned the corner to find his family sitting in the cafe by the front door.

James slid off of his seat and sprinted towards him, jumping up as Castle lifted him into his arms. Amelia followed shuffling her feet, Colette brought Melody over with an encouraging smile on her face that only a nurse could be capable of.

Castle gave Amelia a concerned once over but saw nothing to explain her slumped shoulders and drooping pigtails.

"Who wants to go and see Aunt Lanie?" He asked trying to add as much excitement as his voice would let him.

James squealed in agreement but Amelia refused to stop her intense examination of her shoes.

Castle put James back on his feet, "How about you go get some chocolate from the machine huh?" He asked offering James some change from his pocket. James nodded, accepted his father's money and ran over to the small vending machine.

"I've got to go back upstairs," Colette informed them handing Castle the car seat with the still sleeping baby tucked inside. He smiled at her and mouthed yet another thanks as she turned and hurried back upstairs.

"Amelia?" Castle asked crouching down to her height as much as his knees would let him. "What's the matter?"

Amelia shook her head, shuffled her feet.

"Come on sweety," he tried again reaching out to pull her closer.

"What's wrong with Mummy?" She spluttered out still not lifting her head.

"A bad man pushed her and she banged her head remember but she's alright now," Castle reassured her feeling the pang of the lie in his chest.

"No Mummy seems funny. Not laughing funny, different funny. Is she gonna be okay?" At this Amelia looked up, her misty eyes staring up at him, terrified.

"Of course she is, she's just still a little sleepy that's all but I need you to continue to be a brave girl okay?" He pulled her into a hug as he spoke before adding, "I know how you can help."

Castle returned to Kate's room to find his wife fighting sleep. He silently moved to sit at her side and began to draw soothing circles on her forearm like he did almost every night back home.

"It's okay Kate I'm here, you can go to sleep," he whispered.

"Thank you," she replied simply as she eventually let go and let sleep take her.

 **An well now you have met their children what do you think? Let me know x**


	4. Chapter 4- The blunt truth

Kate was sitting reading the newspaper in awe when Lanie walked in.

"Hey," she greeted a huge smile appearing on her face as she folded the paper neatly and placed it on the bedside cabinet beside Ellie the elephant.

Lanie smiled back as she sat on the edge of the bed and pulled Kate into a hug.

"I've been so scared Kate," she whispered, "But when Castle sent us a text saying you had woke up but perhaps to leave visits until later I, oh we all feared the worst."

"I'm okay, I'm going to be okay," Kate tried, halfheartedly, to be reassuring.

Lanie sat back on one of the plastic seats surrounding the bed and watched as Kate began to pull at a single thread from the duvet that covered her. She looked so small, so scared, but determined as ever to remain strong. Lanie realised that she had no words to say. No way to bring comfort to her friend. But then again when did Kate Beckett ever want or need comfort? There was no point in dancing around issue, may as well get it out in the open now, "Castle mentioned you had suffered some memory loss."

Kate sighed and dropped her gaze to the floor. Admitting weakness had never been a strong point of hers. In fact letting anyone in since she was nineteen had been impossible. Apart from Castle. He had never given up on her and she supposed in many ways Lanie hadn't either. It wouldn't be fair to tone down the issue or to pretend that it was nothing. No, blunt honesty was probably going to be the only way she was ever going to move forward from now on. "Yeah I urm can't remember anything that happened after the day that I stepped on the bomb eight years ago," she admitted.

"Sweety I'm so sorry," Lanie whispered reaching for her friend's hand despite herself, but Kate tugged her own away.

"Don't," she chocked out, "please Lanie I've had to cope with Castle's pitying smiles for the last three hours. I just need someone to keep me sane and fill me in on the basics so that I can at least pretend to know my children. Please Lanie."

Lanie swallowed, "Okay yeah I can do that."

"Thank you," Kate met her friend's eyes. She breathed out slowly and tried to calm her thoughts as all of the questions in her head decided to have a shouting match.

"What do you want to know Kate?" Lanie asked sitting back in her seat.

Kate buried her head in her hands and groaned quietly. What did she want to know? How about every little detail of the last eight years of her life? What about when exactly her children had been born? When did she and Castle get married? When did- how did?

Lanie watched helpless as her friend began to hyperventilate, "Kate you need to breathe," she reminded her, fighting the urge to reach out for her hand again. "Breathe Kate. Its okay you're alright I can answer anything you want but I need you to calm down."

Flashes of random images seemed to jump across Kate's vision. Her mother, dead. Had she ever arrested Bracken? Castle handing her a cup of coffee and letting their fingers brush together gently, a mischievous smile on his face. Did they still work together? Martha, Alexis and her Dad laughing as she and Castle turned up late for their second try at a family dinner. How had they coped when so many more seats had been added to the table?

Kate became aware of gentle words like a whisper in an ocean as she fought to stay above the crashing waves. She squeezed her eyes tight shut. Then forced them open. Her eyes met Lanie's brown ones.

"Breathe," Lanie whispered again.

Slowly but surely Kate matched her breathing with her friend's until finally she stopped drowning.

Lanie handed her a glass of water from the jug beside the bed and she took it gratefully."Maybe it's easier if I start with some answers instead?" Lanie asked earning a slow nod.

"Okay well urm they're some things which I think would be better coming from Castle. But I assume you would prefer an unbiased answer to things referring to him so how about I start there?"

Kate nodded again.

"Well, I can start by telling you that you both are the same as you always have been. He's still your star crossed lover and I don't think that will ever change. You're Captain now so for a time you didn't work together as much but there is no telling him to leave." Lanie laughed nervously but Kate's gentle smile was enough encouragement for her to continue. "He's a brilliant dad which you know already and you're an amazing mum Kate you only have to spend five minutes with your children to know that. They look up to you dearly; if they're not talking about you then they're arguing over who gets to play cop and who has to be the bad guy. But I'm not going to lie to you we were all nervous as to how he would cope without you but he has done remarkably well. He's kept your three babies happy whilst working nonstop and visiting you every spare second he got. You don't need to worry about how he's going to cope with all of this because he's stronger than you think."

Lanie decided to miss out how Castle had began to look exhausted every day, how every smile had seemed forced. Her friend didn't need to know about how her husband had been on the edge of a breakdown. For Lanie was sure that now he had his partner back Castle would be fine. They all would be.

"Thanks Lanie, I needed to hear that." Kate confessed smiling slightly.

At least their family and friends had all been okay through this. She wasn't selfish enough to think that just because she wasn't there everything would fall apart but she had still feared that it might have.

She still had no idea if she had ever arrested her mother's killer, but for the first time in her life she decided that the answer to that question could wait.

"No problem," Lanie replied, " Where's Castle now anyway I thought I'd have to drag him out so we could have some girl time?"

"He's picking up the kids and doing some shopping. Decided he'd better do it now when he knew you were coming," Kate informed her.

Castle had reluctantly left to relieve Martha of her baby-sitting duties for her two oldest grandchildren but he would pick Melody up later.

Kate had been scared of letting him leave but once he had she realised that she had needed some alone time to gather her thoughts. Now, after having half an hour to read the news and some time with her friend everything seemed just a little less intimidating. She could breathe again at least and she found that she was actually really looking forward to seeing James and Amelia again.

It was then that Kate realised that despite now knowing some of what had happened in her life, things she wanted to hear from Lanie anyway, she knew nothing of hers. "Go on then," Kate was grinning now, "tell me all about your life, did you and Espo finally make it work?"

"Well..." Lanie took out her phone and gave it to Kate.

Kate gasped as she stared at a smiling little boy about five years old with dark eyes and a cheeky smile. He had a red cap on sideways and was striking a silly pose like he was trying to be hip hop. But what was most endearing about the photo was the man beside the boy posing in the same silly way with an identical smile. Esposito.

"Wow Lanie!" Kate squealed unable to take her eyes off of the photo.

"Yeah me and Espo had a one night stand five years ago and well that's when Diego came along but we're not together as such, just really close friends. Not exactly the most orthodox relationship but-"

"No, Lane this is me your talking to I'm hardly an example of orthodox relationships," Kate interrupted handing her friend back her phone.

Lanie smiled as she slipped it back into her pocket. "Yeah, well Espo is a great dad, spoils him rotten but I think he's trying to make up for what he lost out on you know? Every weekend when there's no active case we all go out for the day. The Castle's, the Ryan's and the Esposito's, see what havoc we can make."

The last part was definitely a Castle line.

Both woman laughed, Lanie from the numerous memories of running around the park playing baseball, or taking up entire rows at various sports stadiums; Kate from events that she could only imagine.

"How many do Ryan and Jenny have?" Kate asked.

"Three," Lanie replied, "Sarah Grace is seven, Matthew, but only call him Matt or he'll refuse to register that you are talking to him, is 5 and Thomas is 4. Money was tight for a bit but they made it work."

Kate smiled picturing more clearly how hectic yet amazing their days out must be. But her happiness was soon shot down with a pang of guilt. If what the doctors predicted was true then not only would she be unable to remember any of the children but she would be wheelchair bound and therefore unable to go. Why was it that every time she and Castle were happy, were finally making things work, something bad just had to happen?

"What happened to me Lanie?" Kate asked before she could change her mind.

Lanie gasped, "You don't know?"

Kate shook her head, "Every time I bring it up Castle changes the subject or we get interrupted. I just need to know Lanie was it my fault? Did I do something terrible or stupid or..." Kate trailed off as she thought of all of the crazy things that she could have done for her to end up in hospital with a serious head injury.

"Kate you didn't do anything as such. I..." Lanie hesitated and decided that now would be an appropriate time to take her friend's hand, "I don't know the whole story and I don't think that this should come from me but... You were attacked... When you were with Alexis."

Kate made no attempt to stop the look of horror that washed over her. "Oh god is she okay?" she spluttered. Alexis had been out with her half-siblings when Kate had woken up so she couldn't have been seriously hurt physically but that didn't mean that nothing had happened to her at all.

"She's alright," Lanie assured her but it didn't meet her eyes.

Before Kate could call her out on it a small squeal sounded from somewhere down the hall followed by a hurry of footsteps. Frowning both women turned to the door which opened to reveal Castle standing in the doorway balancing a mountain of paper that reached to his head.

"Amelia! James!" He shouted over his shoulder as he tumbled inside.

He dropped the paper unceremoniously onto Lanie's lap, collapsed onto the bed and turned just in time to watch as their eldest children sprinted inside.

Amelia, her hair now flowing in waves picked up her brother and dropped him on the bed without saying a word. She climbed up soon after and Kate felt four pairs of eyes turn to her.

"Mummy!" James squealed as though two seconds of silence was simply too much for him to allow.

"Hi James," Kate smiled as she watched the three year old climb unsteadily over Castle who was still sprawled along the bottom of the bed and into her lap.

"Knock knock," he greeted bouncing slightly until he was comfortable.

"Who's there?" Kate asked again laughing when everyone else groaned.

"Bannnana!" He cried falling forward to rest in the crook of his mother's neck with a proud smile on his face.

Castle finally having caught his breath back sat up and pulled Amelia onto his lap before she fell off of the bed.

"So have a nice catch-up did we?" He asked looking between Lanie and his wife. He had sensed that he had been interrupting something intense when he had entered the room but both women were smiling now which must be a good sign.

"Of course," Kate replied simply looking over to her friend.

Castle smiled as he too turned to Lanie. "Well Aunt Lanie you have the honour of showing off each of these two monkey's," he paused to tickle Amelia's sides until she was squealing with laughter, "beautiful artwork of what we got up to this last month and some from just before too."

Lanie grinned as she shuffled the paper and lifted up the first one so that everyone could see. "Who would like to explain this wonderful painting to me?" She asked in a posh voice to cover her confusion as to what the painting actually did show.

"That's James' picture of all of us in the car on the way to the beach," Amelia informed. From behind her head Castle mouthed "Hamptons" to Kate.

"Wow isn't that lovely," Lanie nodded staying in character, "and this one?"

This picture was clearly one of Amelia's as five stick figures could clearly be seen to be walking along a beach with sandcastles, seagulls and a huge sun in the corner of the page.

"What a lovely picture Amelia," Kate complemented her daughter who's face immediately beamed with pride.

"It's us at the beach mommy," she replied, "that was one of the best days ever! When you are better can we go back to the beach?"

The simple question brought tears to Kate's eyes as she helplessly looked to Castle.

"Yeah sweety we can go back to the beach," Castle answered for her giving her a reassuringly smile.

Amelia smiled and continued to explain drawing after drawing. Leaving Kate to sit in silence and try to remember every last detail.

Castle looked down at his watch and couldn't help the surprised look that appeared on his face. Where had the last two hours gone? He cast his glance from Kate to James who was remarkably still awake ,yet silent, curled up under his mother's arm. Amelia who had animatedly gone through every last picture was now too looking like she desperately needed some sleep.

Just as Castle was about to suggest that perhaps they should go home for a nap a sharp knock echoed throughout the room.

Doctor March entered looking around sheepishly with an apologetic smile on her face. "I'm sorry to interrupt but I need to know what course you've decided to take in terms of your," she looked at both children who were watching her and seemed to notice Lanie for the first time, "mental health Miss Beckett."

Kate felt panic claw at her chest once more as she searched again for Castle's gaze. They had spoken briefly about their options before he left to pick up their oldest two but they hadn't really decided on anything. She wanted the quickest solution that would put the least strain on their family and he wanted the most reliable, trustworthy one. At the time she hadn't been able to resist a chuckle at how times had changed but now she just needed an answer."I urm-" Kate's helpless gaze darted from Lanie to her two children before coming back to rest on Castle.

"Oh is that the time?" Lanie chipped in, rising to her feet, "I better get going. I'll see you later Kate," she squeezed her friends hand and gave her a knowing look which Kate replied to with a smile. "Bye monkeys," she ruffled James' hair, kissed Amelia's head, gave Castle a small wave, and left.

An awkward silence filled the room. Castle sighed and leaned forward until he was only inches from his wife. "I've done some research and I know you don't like to show weakness and ,even though you think your therapy with Doctor Burke worked, you would rather not go through that again. I guess what I'm trying to say is I'm more than willing for us to work together to try to get your memory back instead of someone else trying to do it. It's up to you of course I just-"

Kate turned to Doctor March. "I think I'll try some methods from home to start with. But if that doesn't work will I still be able to try the other options at a later date?"

The doctor nodded, "Of course, that won't be a problem. In that case then, I guess I'm completely finished here. I wish you all the best of luck for the future."

"Thank you," Kate replied sincerely, "for everything."

Doctor March merely smiled, turned and then she too left.

Castle kissed Kate gently on the cheek as he whispered, "We're going to get through this, me and you."

Kate smiled weakly, "I hope so," she replied absent mindedly running a hand through James' hair.

Amelia yawned and flopped a little deeper into the mattress.

"I think we better go," Kate heard Castle mutter as she stared at their now half asleep son lying in her arms with his fists tightly gripping her hospital gown.

"Yeah," she whispered back as she ducked her head and let her hair cover her face like a shield. Everything seemed to be moving so fast. This morning she had known very little about her life but now knowing that somehow she could be responsible for something that had happened to Alexis, knowing just how much her young children's lives had changed because of her, she wasn't sure what was worse.

Kate jumped as she felt Castle's hand cup her cheek and turn her face to his so that he could place a gentle kiss on her lips.

Amelia made a belching noise from the bottom of the bed causing both of her parent's grins to spread as they broke apart.

"I love you," Castle whispered to her stroking back her hair and looking down into her eyes with so much adoration Kate couldn't help but whisper it back.

They smiled at each other before a huge yawn from Amelia reminded Castle that he was supposed to be leaving.

"Come on then let's go home," Castle picked James up in his arms despite his back's protest and reached out for Amelia's hand to help her off of the bed. The six year old hopped down and staggered towards Kate.

"Bye mommy," she said pressing a kiss to Kate's cheek when she bent down to meet her.

"Bye Amelia," Kate smiled back as Castle watched them stare at each other with deep love that only a mother and her child could share.

He hated to ruin the moment but James was beginning to snore in his arms and he didn't want to leave Melody with his mother too long. So he took Amelia's hand once more and lead her to the door.

He looked back one final time at his wife lying surrounded in suffocating white, "Bye Kate," he whispered.

"Bye," Kate replied, as she watched Castle make his way out of the door, one child asleep in his arms, the other shuffling along holding his hand.

A sudden guilt claimed her once more.

 **AN Thanks for all of the support so far xx feel free to let me know your thoughts...**


	5. Chapter 5- The clouded mist

**An what can I say the new story arc this season at first killed my motivation and happiness and everything but then it gave me a spark of direction that I could add to this story.**

Castle tried to ignore the way his stomach coiled as he switched on his computer. He moved to stand before the screen. Typing in his password he watched as numerous faces appeared. Silhouettes of unidentified people joined them.

He scanned every inch, every clue looking for something he had missed, some sort of creative spark, but there wasn't any. He had memorised it all.

With fists tight at his side and a clenched jaw Castle squeezed his eyes shut.

Four weeks he had worked. Four weeks of question after question with no answer in sight. Four weeks.

Shaking his head he reluctantly shut the folder tagged Kate Beckett and dragged it to the bin where he would be able to retrieve it later but Kate wouldn't accidentally come across it.

He should feel guilty for hiding this from her. He probably would have if she hadn't done the same thing to him time and time again.

She would be home in a matter of hours and their priority was retrieving her memories. The rest could wait.

Kate's eyes snapped open to find the same white cave surrounding her. She blinked blankly at the ceiling and groaned.

The lights were still off, the moon casting its gentle blue glow into the room.

The nurses had said that she would be tired and not to expect too much of her body for the first couple of weeks to a month, so it hadn't been a surprise to her to find that she usually slept till mid morning.

For the first time since she was a teen, she didn't mind the long lies. She was too tired to dream, just empty comforting darkness and her light was always present when she woke up.

Turning to the side she let her gaze fall onto the simple plastic seat that had become his. It was empty which confused her at first until she remembered the significance of today, the reason she had been so hyped to wake up during the night or was it morning?

Either way she was going home. Today.

Terrified hardly covered it. The weeks had seemed to drag in yet at the same time she couldn't believe that it was already here. The last time she had been to the loft Castle had ran her a bath to ease her aching leg muscles. This time he promised her another for a surprisingly similar reason. The thought of the relaxing bubbles swallowing her whole as she lay back in the warm water was almost enough to have her looking forward to going back. Almost.

For, how was she supposed to cover up the fact that she had no idea where anything was kept? How was she supposed to hide the shock on her face at the change of furniture? How was she supposed to go home and act like it was where she belonged when in her head she still hadn't moved in?

She had spoken to Castle at length about the matter. Did their children have to be present? He had insisted that the answer was absolutely. Apparently they had insisted on making a banner, throwing a party, James had even used it as an excuse to ask yet again if they could have a pet elephant. Castle had managed to tone it down, he insisted, but he knew that they would be more than disappointed if they weren't there to shout welcome home.

Kate had given in. The thought of Amelia and James being anything but happy had her heart tightening.

So the entire family would be there including Martha and even her dad. Kate had been informed that he didn't have the best health at the moment and was living in his cabin full time. Apparently his ill health had made him unable to visit regularly but Castle assured her that he had kept him updated and that he was very excited to see her again.

But there was one person who would not be there. Alexis apparently had "work". Kate didn't like to think too deeply into the fact that the woman who was now technically her step daughter hadn't been anywhere near the hospital since dropping her siblings off that first day. Castle deliberately avoided the topic and Kate despite being desperate to find out what the hell had happened had forced herself to swallow her words. The last thing they needed was an argument. The last thing she wanted was to see the clouded mist cover Castle's eyes again .

She would find out the truth soon enough but it could wait until she was home and the children were in bed. Then she had decided she would properly bring up the matter.

Residing to herself that sleep was impossible she forced her weak body into a sitting position and reached for the book beside her.

Castle had written numerous best sellers in the past six years that Kate was desperate to read. She had always found solace in his words even before they had met and having them at her bedside, in her hands, filling her mind, made her loneliness just about bearable.

She knew the characters of Niki and Rook well and found that once again she could pick out the points that were part of who she and Castle were amongst the parts that were purely fictional. It gave an interesting outlook to see how the characters developed without knowing for sure where she and Castle were in their relationship at that point.

She hadn't read many, only the first three, which considering her amount of free time and usually quick pace was surprising. But she had found that every detail mattered and had read dialogue after dialogue dozens of times again, deciding on what parts were pure Castle, not Rook, addressing not to Niki but to her.

He was understandably different now six years down the line. They had obviously been through a lot together. The spark in his eyes was dimmed which she had put down to the fact that his wife had overnight became his girlfriend again but now she wasn't so sure. There was something bothering him and as much as she wanted to ask, she was terrified of what the truth would be.

It hurt and confused her that there was this awkwardness between them. It was to be expected to a degree of course but a barrier seemed to have been put up.

When the children were present the air was lighter but when it was simply them it was as though something were suffocating them, secrets, unanswered questions, unvoiced problems, whispering just out of earshot.

Often silence filled the room and they would simply stare at each other. To the majority of people this would seem to be crazy but to them it was some of the only normality that they had left. Both seemed to have an unvoiced rule that they would talk when they were home. That right now getting her physically to that point was the goal, that all of the mental stuff could wait till later.

They were both scared, she decided as she looked down at the book in her hands. When James, Amelia and Melody were around they had to put on a brave face but when they were alone there was no need, no energy, no point. He was scared of hurting her and she was scared of hurting him.

Flicking to her page Kate became once again absorbed in a world of her partner's making. She had no idea when she fell back asleep.

When Kate woke to a sunlight filled room and a book digging into her left thigh she couldn't help but roll her eyes. There was no wonder why she often fell asleep to the sound of Castle's frantic typing. Why was it that the brain came most alive when the moon was up?

Placing the book back where it belonged she gingerly poured herself a glass of water. Taking a long slow sip she closed her eyes gently before putting the cup back and checking the time. She had half an hour before her family would arrive to take her home. Brilliant.

Her eyes found the wheelchair sitting menacingly in the corner of the room. She was unaware of her hands forming fists in the sheets as she glared at it. The final assessment yesterday had deemed her only safe to leave as long as she left in the chair. After trying to stand and falling limply, (only just missing collapsing completely thanks to Castle's quick catch of her hips) she really was in no state to argue even if every nerve inside her was desperate to do so.

"It won't be permanent" the doctors had tried to reassure her. "Stick in with a couple of weeks of physiotherapy every morning and regular checkups at the centre" and she would be "back on her feet in no time."

Thereby, since she had been fit to do so Kate had been working on building up as much of her physique that she had had before. She hadn't been brave enough to look in the mirror yet but from what she could see she knew that she looked near enough a skeleton. So she had been weight lifting what she could, when she could, so that at least her arms would be capable of helping her to walk again.

A disturbance in the hall outside interrupted her thoughts. Kate felt her stomach plummet as her eyes found the clock just in time to watch the final tick strike twelve.

The door was opened by Collette to reveal a walking bouquet of flowers behind which Amelia's bouncing pigtails could be seen.

"Mummy!" chorused her daughter and son who pushed past his sister carrying a gift bag in his arms.

Castle appeared just in time to catch a glimpse of the bright smile making its appearance on his wife's face.

"Hello everyone," Kate greeted watching as Castle placed Melody's car seat in a chair so that with his hands free he could lift his son onto the bed.

Kate managed to conceal her groan of pain as the sharp edges of a box dug into her leg due to her son clumsily scrambling towards her.

"Present!" he giggled dropping the bag on her chest.

She looked to Castle for guidance. He smiled and nodded his head, "Open it."

Carefully Kate reached inside the bag and pulled out a small smooth black box. Slowly she lifted the lid, a click revealing its contents. A beautiful necklace glinted up at her its diamond encrusted circular face catching in the light. "Wow," she mouthed as she raised the silver locket from its box.

"You have to open it mum," informed Amelia who had given up trying to sort out the flowers already in the vase beside Kate's bed and placed her own beside it instead.

Her eyes flicking between the gorgeous locket and her husband Kate slowly clicked it open.

Smiling back at her on the left side was Amelia her hair flowing in

gentle waves looking identical to her mother apart from the eyes, always the eyes, which shone mischievously like Castle's.

To the right was a picture of James captured perfectly mid laugh.

Flicking the tile over she revealed two more pictures. This time on the left was an adorable grinning Melody and to the right-

Kate swallowed the lump in her throat as she looked at her husband who too was smiling sadly.

To the right was a picture of them both smiling happily at each other as they danced on what appeared to be their wedding day.

Closing the locket shut she let it fall face down on her palm revealing the word "Always" to be inscribed on the back.

"It's beautiful, thank you," Kate choked out pulling James into a one armed hug and letting her other one fall around Amelia who had rushed forward to throw her arms around he mother too.

Kate felt the tears finally spill over as a soft kiss met the top of her head, she heard Castle murmur, "I'm proud of you," in her ear.

After a couple of minutes the children followed their father's lead and they pulled back to free Kate.

She turned to Amelia "The flowers are beautiful too did you pick them?" she asked.

Amelia nodded excitedly, "Daddy said that they would look good in the hall when we go home. You are coming home today mummy aren't you?"

"Yes," Kate replied feeling for the first time a hint of excitement at finally entering the loft again. "Mummy is coming home."

Half an hour later Castle was wheeling his wife out of hospital doing his best to prepare himself for what would be on the other side of the huge double doors. Captain and wife of a world famous author being released from hospital after a coma at the hands of a random mugger; he could only imagine the headlines.

He had warned his wife before they left that there was a chance of an ambush. She had tried to hide her fear but it had showed clearly in her eyes.

He stopped pushing, halting Amelia and James too. Both had insisted on carrying their mother's few bags so that she could hold Amelia in her arms. Castle had relented and let them share the job and lead the way out.

Both now stood beside Kate looking terribly confused.

"Remember what daddy said about the camera people?" he asked, subconsciously bending down to their height. Both nodded vigorously. "Well they might be outside so what I want you to do is-" Castle stopped short having spotted Colette.

He called the nurse over with an apologetic smile, "sorry but could you check outside for us? I don't want the paparazzi to-"

"Not a problem," she reassured him before rushing to the door. She came back seconds later and promised that the cost was clear.

She accepted Castle's thanks before turning to Kate, "I'm glad to see you're on your way home Sweety. You've got a beautiful family here and with their help I have no doubt that you will be back to catching killers sooner than you think."

With a quick ruffle of James' hair Collette turned and made her way back upstairs. Castle gave Kate's shoulder a gentle squeeze before resuming their journey to the outside world.

Kate looked up in confusion when instead of hailing a cab Castle directed them to the carpark.

"I thought I'd bring the car so we could stop if you needed to." Castle explained. "Flashbacks of any kind and you tell me alright? "

Kate smiled at him and nodded though Castle couldn't help but notice her lack of promised words.

When everyone was seated in the Landover, Kate and Castle at the front with the other three strapped in at the back, Kate reached to turn on the radio.

The music as she suspected was completely foreign and offered no recollection despite Castle's shared knowledge that sound could trigger memories.

Castle watched as Kate turned away from him and pressed her face to the window so she could watch the city pass by.

Deliberately he took the long route home circling round and passing the block where in Kate's mind she had spent her last day before the coma.

Kate was obviously aware of what he was trying to do for she sat up straighter and twisted round to watch the building which came so close to exploding pass by.

Amelia and James were arguing over something or the other but Castle barely registered it for Kate was suddenly chalk white.

"Stop," she choked out, her thin hands clutching the door handle with a vice grip.

Castle pulled over as soon as he could, cut the engine and turned to cup her cheeks.

"Honey?" he asked ignoring the confusion flying from the back seats, "Have you remembered something?"

He got no reply. Kate was starring straight past him as though she didn't see him at all.

"Kate?" Nothing. "Beckett?"

Immediately Kate snapped from her daze as though he had thrown a bucket of ice water over her.

"Castle," she whispered, "That cafe," she gestured to a small building on the corner of the street, "I don't remember ever going in it but I can picture you at the window laughing and drinking from a huge coffee cup."

Castle upon hearing her explanation turned to really examine the building. "Yes," he realised turning back to Kate, "That's where we went the day after the- " he mouthed the word, "bomb."

Kate nodded a grin appearing on her face, "Yes and you made me laugh so much I spilt coffee all over the table."

Kate watched as Castle's smile shone, "You remembered," he cried closing the distance between them with a kiss that was probably too passionate considering their children were present.

"I remembered."

 **An feel free to let me know your thoughts x**


	6. Chapter 6- The beautiful mess

Darkness seemed to creep up on them like a stalking predator. Unseen unnoticed, until it was on top of them.

The cold came with it, slithering through every crack possible until the once warm living room became cold.

Melody had "fallen asleep" two hours ago so they had sat down to watch some Disney film that the kids loved. Kate had no idea what had happened in it. Instead she had been analysing every corner of the room so that at least she now knew the location of the majority of the random objects that were scattered around. From the children's toys to small statues she knew that it would been down to her to find anything that got lost by her children or by Castle. She smirked at the thought. Castle could find anything at a crime scene but when it came to items in the house he couldn't find a thing even if it was right under his nose.

She was lying beside him on the new sofa with Amelia and James curled up asleep by her feet at the other end. As innocent as they had seemed in the hospital they had both proven to be awkward and irritable, fighting over everything from popcorn to who sat where, but she supposed that was probably due to tiredness.

It wasn't nearly as uncomfortable as Kate had expected it to be. In fact it felt almost normal to be cuddled up with her now sleeping family forcing herself to stay awake or they'd never make it to bed.

She turned around slowly and positioned herself so that she could admire her sleeping husband. His build was slightly thinner, his hair slightly greyer, but his smile, his laugh, his scent, that was all the same.

Presently she took the time to simply close her eyes and breathe him in startling as he chuckled at her.

"Are you sniffing me Kate Beckett? " he asked squeezing her shoulder.

"So what if I am?" She replied a cheeky grin appearing on her face, "I thought you were asleep?"

Castle shook his head, "I was for a bit but I woke up when I felt someone sniffing me like a puppy."

Kate swatted him playfully, "Are you calling me a dog?" She challenged.

"No," Castle corrected, "I'm comparing you to a puppy which has nicer connotations such as-"

Kate interrupted him by pressing a kiss to his lips, "Shut up," she told him as they broke apart.

Her smile gleamed bright and beautiful as she stared back at him waiting for his retort but it never came. Instead he smiled with sadness in his eyes.

"I missed you so much Beckett," he whispered pulling her closer. He knew she felt guilty, he did too; but sometimes the truth had to be said. The last almost decade had taught him that.

"Castle I-"

"Hush," he interrupted, "come let's get these two to bed."

Castle squeezed her arm to signal that she had to get up for him to have any chance of moving. Slowly she pushed herself across the sofa being careful not to wake Amelia and James.

Castle picked up James first and balanced him on his chest. Silently he made his way up the stairs leaving Kate stranded on the couch.

Absent mindedly she began to run her hand through Amelia's hair letting the sort waves fall through her fingers.

Castle heavy footsteps filled then air again as he made his way back downstairs.

"Next," he mumbled scooping his daughter up into his arms as he had done to James. "I'm getting too old for this."

Kate rolled her eyes, "Keeps you fit babe," she joked sitting up straight now that her legs were free.

Kate jumped when Castle's hand connected with her shoulder. "Your turn."

She smiled up at him as he gestured to the wheelchair in his hands, "Your carriage awaits."

Giggling despite her mild embarrassment Kate slid from the sofa into the chair and let him wheel her to their bedroom.

Melody still too young to be in a room herself was asleep in a cradle at the bottom of the bed. They had both tucked her in together, (James had somehow managed to spill popcorn all over the living room and the kitchen by the time they had returned) so she knew what the room looked like. But still, she was sure that it would take a couple of weeks before the site of their bedroom could really settle with her. In her head she wasn't even accustomed to calling it their room but now, now there was no denying it. Paintings which had once been there, now gone, replaced with pictures of their family. The paint was different too, even the bed.

Castle either unaware of her inner turmoil or chosing not to comment, silently pulled back the duvet on her side of the bed. Now that part she knew.

He offered her his arm and helped to get her up and into the bed without much effort. Both were already dressed for sleep so Castle merely had to jump into his side .

Rolling over to face him Kate took a good look at her husband.

"Castle?" She asked but found that she didn't really know how to form the question on her mind. "Castle, I -"

Castle shook his head and placed a finger to her lips, "no," he whispered, "Don't worry alright? I can see your brain beginning to spin out of control on that pretty face of yours and that's not going to help either of us sleep. I sound so heartless and I'm sorry but please for tonight can we just sleep in each others arms like I've been dreaming of doing for what feels like forever?"

Kate smiled at him. Perhaps this was one change in him that she didn't mind so much; his openness. Before she would have to read between the lines to see his feelings, just as he had to claw for every inch to get past her walls. Now it seemed that he was more than willing to simply share his thoughts. If he could do it, she decided that she could to. "Okay Castle, for tonight let's sleep but tomorrow-"

"Tomorrow when we have the three monkeys busy doing something or the other you and me will sit and we will put a plan together. I'm not going to let your control freak tendencies go unchecked Beckett."

Kate rolled her eyes at him and settled in against his chest to rest her cheek against his heart. He instinctively let his arms wrap tight around her and felt her relax against him.

Kate smiled as she closed her eyes and let sleep claim her once more as she finally found the home she remembered.

But like all blissful moments of happiness in her life; it was short lived. For,as quickly as she had fallen asleep her nightmares had woken. They didn't make sense. Not as they had before. Usually they consisted of Castle dying, or flashbacks to when she got shot, or well, usually death was in the mix somewhere, but they were different tonight. Flashes of random images appeared before her and just as she was beginning to make sense of them, they disappeared.

She felt like she was constantly running or drowning and as she fought for escape, for air -she simply became more panicked. Unbeknown to her her arms and legs were thrashing around, her cheeks were wet with tears, her mouth letting small whimpers escape.

But just as she was ready to scream out a gentle wave overcame her being, the images faded into blackness and her eyes opened to the light.

Subconsciously Kate immediately reached for her husband but found that he was already awake and was lying on his side being careful not to touch her. He looked like he was contemplating something, that little frown line deep across his brow. He finally seemed to come to a decision. "Come on, " he whispered.

In the couple of seconds that it took for him to slide out of the bed and make his way round to Kate's side she had managed to calm her racing heart. Almost.

"Do you trust me Kate?" Castle asked. She twisted to look at him the corners of her lips twitching when his hand began to run through her hair. She nodded. Of course she did. She trusted him more than she did herself most of the time.

"Okay good. Now do you want to try to go back to sleep or do you want to come with me. I know I said wait till tomorrow but we could talk now if that's what you want?" he offered.

Kate looked back at him with a look Castle had come to recognise as guilt. "Is that what you want?" she asked reaching up to cover his hand in hers.

Castle took a moment to think of a response a fact which she was grateful for. The last thing she wanted was for this to turn into being all about her. His feelings counted too.

"I know that this isn't what you want to hear but I want whatever you want Beckett. Not that all I want to do is satisfy you and move on but really I'm fine for either option." He confessed looking at her with so much sincerity that she had to believe him.

"Okay Castle lets talk but I'll need the chair," Kate forced herself into a sitting position but Castle shook his head.

"Its fine, I can just carry you, I mean if you want, the chair might wake up Melody if it bangs on something or-"

Kate rolled her eyes at his rambling, "Hold me Castle."

He smiled at her and scooped her effortlessly into his arms unable to resist a simple peck on the lips.

He carried her through to the living room where she had expected him to stop but instead he continued up the stairs. Ignoring her looks of confusion and her fight to meet his eyes Castle didn't stop until they reached the small room which at one point had been a second study. At her point in time anyway.

Deciding simply to trust in him Kate kept her mouth shut and let him open the door to reveal a completely transformed room.

"Wow," she gasped. Where there had once been a desk was now two arm chairs with a huge beanbag between them. Along one wall was a huge bookcase and hanging in the middle of the other was a beautiful family portrait. All of which faced out of an expanded window which showed a beautiful view of their city.

"Welcome to the Quiet Room." Castle introduced stepping forward and collapsing into onto the beanbag keeping Kate firmly in his arms.

"It's beautiful Castle," she murmured taking in the breathtaking view.

"After we had Amelia I decided that we would need an extra room where we could go to escape all of the stress of life and just be. So we did some decorating remodeled some walls and voilà."

Kate turned to him and pressed a strong kiss against his lips.

"What was that for? " he asked as they broke apart.

"Nothing," Kate replied, "I just can't believe that we got so lucky."

He merely mumbled in agreement and pulled her closer to him. After a couple of beats of silence Castle decided to approach the elephant in the room.

"So do you want to talk about your dreams? Might help you know."

Kate dropped her gaze to the floor then out into the night before sliding out of his arms and onto the beanbag beside him,.

"We were walking around a field when there was an insistent buzzing noise and a sort of done appeared and started shooting at us. We fired back then the dream changed. I ran into Eric Vaughn that billionaire business guy and he-" It was upon saying it out loud that Kate realised how ridiculous she must sound but Castle wasn't laughing instead he was merely sitting and watching her silently. So she continued, "he tried to kiss me but I pushed him away and there was a bang. It changed again and we were in the kitchen at my place. You were arguing with me but I couldn't hear what you were saying you just looked so hurt and angry." Castle noticeably tensed when she said those words but she was nearly finished so she continued. "It cut one last time and we were at the swings and you sort of fell? I don't really know, you were just on the ground, and I was so scared and shocked and, what?" Kate stopped her rant short to look at her husband in complete confusion.

He mirrored her reply and she rolled her eyes at him. "You have that look Castle, what did I say?"

Castle chuckled gently and took her hands in both of his. "You said four things that have happened in real life Kate. They weren't just dreams. They were memories."

Kate gasped and clutched his hands tighter. She had hoped somewhere deep inside her that they were more than just the minds creation. Excitement flooded through her. "Seriously drones?"

"Yeah it was a crazy case. I shot down that particular one though." Castle replied simply, too quickly for what he said to be entirely true. Kate hummed in response.

"Okay so maybe it was a team effort and maybe it was shooting blanks but the important thing is you remembered so much Kate."

Castle looked as excited and happy as she felt. "I did didn't I." She replied unable to keep the proudness from her voice. Maybe she could do this after all. "And Vaughn?"

Castle groaned, "That idiot insisted that you became his personal guard for a case we were working on when someone tried to kill him but accidentally killed someone else. Nearly killed you too. That bang you remembered? If you hadn't pushed Vaughn away then... Well let's just say you don't exactly have nine lives left."

Kate swallowed and decided to change the subject,"So what about our argument what was that about?"

Castle frowned. "Was it old did I look much younger?" Kate nodded. "Okay then I think that could have been when I found out you were going to leave to go to Washington to work with the FBI."

Kate groaned. In her time frame she had been thinking about her career, about what path to take next but she never thought about how much hurt she could cause him by picking the wrong one. "Castle I'm sorry I-"

But he shook he's head, brought her hands to his lips, "Old news Beckett." he reassured her. You did it time and time again anyway he added in his head.

"So what about the swings then?" she asked as he lowered their hands.

"Ah, " Castle grinned, "now that particular puzzle I'm afraid we shall have to solve tomorrow. Don't look so scared Kate. Trust me, I have a plan and I know you are going to love it."

Kate frowned but kissed him on the cheek nevertheless, "Okay I trust you.

They sat looking at each other as though for the first time since the beautiful mess had begun. For that's what it was really. Their new life wasn't perfect but it certainly wasn't ruined either. They had hope. Even if they hadn't outright said it to the other they both believed that she would remember and until then they had this beautiful hope inside them that kept the darkness out.

Kate shivered and curled tighter into a ball as she lay her head on the glass separating her from the rest of New York. She turned her gaze from admiring the view when she felt Castle stand up.

Just as she was about to ask what he was doing he held out his hand for her again.

"Castle I can't-"

"Come on Beckett I won't let you fall," he told her smiling as she slowly pushed herself up.

He immediately caught her around the waist with his free hand, the other tightly gripping hers, as he pulled her flush to his chest,

"I've, got you."

"I know," she whispered resting her head to his shoulder and allowing him to support most of her weight, "but why are we-"

"Lucy play our song," Castle announced to the room.

Kate's eyes opened in amazement as she heard a small pyramid from the corner of the room reply with an "of course." A gentle tune sounded just loud enough for them to hear but not too loud that they would wake up the baby.

Castle immediately began to sway them to the beat, softly coaxing her to move her feet in small easy shuffles. They moved with a grace that only a couple dancing for years could posses. Castle felt Kate's smile against his shoulder as she whispered, "I've always loved this song."

"I know," he told her, "me too." He had hoped that hearing it would spark some sort of recollection but he knew that the memories closest to the event would come back first. Maybe a couple of weeks down the line when he played it again she would remember one of the happiest moments of their life, but for now they danced.

Until a baby's cry burst their bubble.

"I'll get her," Castle told Kate helping her to sit back on the beanbag, telling Lucy to cut the music and rushing out of the room.

Kate sighed and dropped her head back against the window. As she began to analyse the room like she had done the living room she spotted a soft toy elephant abandoned by the door as though it had fallen whilst a child had been carried from the room. She knew in her gut that it was Melody's.

She knew too that it would probably help aid Castle in getting the still crying baby back to sleep. It was only a couple of steps away. No more than five. Surely she could make it?

Stubborn as ever Kate used the wall to push herself up. She wobbled but managed to balance herself somewhat well.

Taking a deep breath Kate slowly placed her right foot forward. Left. Right. It was only about two steps away. It was only-

But her legs couldn't take it. They were twigs beneath her.

She wasn't aware that she had began to sway, that her legs had began to shake under the burden of her weight.

The floor was suddenly rushing towards her face when it stopped and stilled.

"Beckett!" Castle had managed to grab her around the waist as he had done the first time she had tried to stand in the hospital. "What are you doing?"

Kate shook her head, clutched his shirt and used him to anchor her to the floor. "Melody her-" Kate gestured to the elephant on the floor. "I had to help her but I...I can't. I can't even get to the other side of the room. I can't... I can't..." She finally broke collapsing into her husbands arms.

"Shhh," Castle closed his eyes in an attempt to block out the tears that were threatening to spill as his wife sobbed in his arms. Carefully he led her back to the beanbag taking all of her weight and collapsed into the soft silk. He let her curl up in his lap and bury her face in his neck as she had so many times before.

He rocked her back and forth searching for something, anything to say that would bring her comfort. He had thought that her memories beginning to come back would help her but apparently she still felt as hopeless as she had before. "Listen Kate, listen to me sweetheart. You can do this. You can do anything. I've been by your side and watched you take down masterminds. I've been with you as you took a bullet to the heart, as you went through labour three times. And I've watched you do hell of a lot on your own too. And you know what Kate? I told you almost a decade ago that you were the most remarkable, maddening, challenging, frustrating, person I've ever met and that was before any of that. So now, now you are so, so much more brave and strong and complicated and I wouldn't have you any other way. I want you Kate Beckett. I just want you."

Kate managed to calm her breathing, to still her tears and as she surfaced from her safe haven in his arms she pulled back to look deep into his eyes. "Prove it," She whispered, just as he had to her on their first night.


	7. Chapter 7- The joyfully terrified

**An terribly sorry for the long delay in updating I've had exams so I swore not to write until they were over. Now that they are and the fact that it's now the Christmas holidays I hope to upload much quicker. Thank you so much for the continued support :)**

Kate Beckett surmised that perhaps being in a wheelchair actually had some benefits. People certainly moved out of your way quicker and she had seen the look of surprise on Castle's face when James had asked if he could sit on her lap. A fact that she assumed made life easier instead of trying to balance a three your old whilst keeping a hand on a six year old and push a pram at the same time.

For Amelia was happy to stand on the ledge of the stroller and allow Castle to only have to push it without worrying about keeping everyone together.

He hadn't told Kate where he was taking her, part of the surprise he had mentioned the night before, but he was sure that she had an idea.

When they were three blocks away he heard her say to their son that she thought he was right and that "they were going to the park." James had been slightly harder to control after that.

He should probably mention to her not to say that word again if she didn't want a squirming shouting toddler on her hands.

Laughing, Castle stopped to cross the road and took the time to press a kiss into Amelia's hair. She smiled up at him in a way that was strangely reassuring for someone who should have no idea that there was anything to be worried about.

As Kate squeezed his hand to let him know she was at his side he stepped out onto the road with the crowds of fellow people all at the beckon of a green light.

Kate led the way for the first time since they left the house. He didn't mind of course, in fact he quite enjoyed that she knew exactly where she was going.

Within five minutes they reached their destination. The swings.

The rain had fallen during the night but now that the temperature was up the grass was reasonably dry with the last of the water gathering in puddles along the paths.

James upon seeing this, immediately slid off of Kate's lap and ran for the nearest puddle, jumping in before squealing with laughter.

"James," Kate warned, in a tone that she didn't remember ever having used before.

The toddler immediately came running back to his mother, took the toy cars offered to him and collapsed onto the grass where his father had laid a blanket.

Amelia quietly followed suit sitting next to her brother just metres away from the swing set.

Kate met Castles gaze for the first time since they had left the house. He looked anxious yet excited, happy yet worried. Yet she couldn't take her eyes off of the joyfully terrified man that stood before her.

Putting the brake on the stroller and giving her a hand he helped to aid her from the chair and into her swing.

They sat in silence for mere seconds before a strange tension rose in the air between them.

Castle was drowning in memories of all the times they had sat in this very spot. Whilst Kate was trying not to choke on the guilt clawing at her as she realised that this was normality for them. Yet she could very well have ruined all of it.

"Castle," Kate cleared her throat whilst tightening her grip on the swings chain, "Rick. What happened to me?"

Castle swallowed and lifted his gaze from their still playing children to his wife's. She looked terrified. That much was obvious. Unable to look at her and think straight at the same time he ducked his head and sighed. He always knew that this was going to come up at some point. It was unavoidable. In fact he was admittedly surprised that it had taken her so long to ask.

He shook his head to try to clear his thoughts. He didn't want to lie, that much he knew. But he didn't want to... She wouldn't go back to... He couldn't lose her again.

This obsession inside her in her head hadn't been fulfilled. She hadn't arrested Bracken. Hell they hadn't even talked about that either. Did she even know? Yet now he was going to stir that up again with another unsolved case.

Checking that their children were still occupied he twisted in the swing so he could meet her eyes. He had waited too long to give a believable answer now anyway.

"Beckett, before I tell you anything I want you to promise one thing."

Kate immediately nodded despite the deep frown lines showing on her face. "Anything."

"Don't be so driven by the past that you through away your future."

Kate startled at his response. Her words. It sent her reeling. What had she done?

"Okay, but Castle what-"

"Promise Kate I need to hear you say it."

"I promise Castle but please-"

Castle shook his head. Silencing her.

"Don't talk till I've finished okay, questions at the end. It'll be easier." He waited until she had given her consent before he began.

"Firstly I want you to know that you arrested Bracken seven years ago. It'll be better if you remember it for yourself, I think, but you need to know that you did it."

Kate's grip on the swing faltered. The entire earth beneath her feet seemed to give way. She had done it. She wanted to know everything, every last detail, from the final piece of convicting evidence, to what outfit she was wearing when she strapped on the cuffs. But she agreed with her husband. Her memories of one of the most significant moments of her life should be true not imagined scenes conjured from her husbands descriptions. She nodded to signal that she was alright with him continuing.

"But there was more to it. Turned out he was only a pawn in a much bigger game. Six years ago you discovered Lockstat. Again its better if you remember on your own but let's just say our marriage struggled for a bit but we worked it out. Like always."

Kate startled at this almost as much as she had at the first bombshell but, desperate for more answers, she fought to stay focused.

"So you're probably wondering what this has to do with your urm fall. The answer is that it might have everything to do with it or it might have nothing at all.

You were attacked whilst you and Alexis were out shopping. A man who seemed to be drunk started flirting a little too much with you and when you told him to move on, he turned to Alexis. After being rejected by two beautiful women he lost it and attacked you both. He pulled a knife and, being the kickass detective that you are, you fought him. Turned out there was more to him than reached the eye and he pushed you down a flight of subway stairs. Alexis immediately tried to help of course but she got stabbed. It wasn't too serious, somehow missed anything major, but she lost a lot of blood. Or at least that's the story everyone else believes."

Castle's entire body seemed to relax as he breathed for the first time since he began the story. He searched her face for any sign of recognition but none came. Not that he had really expected it to.

"Rick what do you mean?" Of all of the responses that had not been what he was expecting. It took him a moment to work out what she was referring to but when he did he replied immediately.

"Well, isn't it just a little too coincidental that you are jumped directly above a flight of stairs? That he would attack you both but take no money? That he would just so happen to be ready to strike when you turned a blind corner into a street with no witnesses? Its just too clean for a mugging. I've been looking into it. Trying to find some clues. Anything for this story to make sense. But its been dead end after dead end."

He stopped to try to read her again but she was as still as stone. Her detective mask firmly in place.

Deciding that the best thing to do was continue he reached out and placed a hand on her knee. "This is where you're promise comes in Kate."

The mist that was covering her eyes cleared slightly as she sat up straighter and asked, "how?"

"When I said I was looking into it... I mean I've only been to two locations in the past month. The hospital and the loft. Basically just my office unless I was attending to the kids. I've not written. I've barely slept. I've hardly eaten. Every single moment I have spent invested in trying to find out who has tried to rip my world apart. I'm not going to stop trying. Unless... Unless you ask me to."

Kate blinked furiously tears of frustration, anger, fear fighting to escape. She wouldn't weep in front of her children.

Castle's hand stroked her leg but it did nothing to soothe her.

"Babe," she choked . "Please, I... I know how it feels to fall down the rabbit hole. I know how it feels to... I don't want you to... Damn it. I love you so much okay? I can't tell you to stop because I'm the one who will always keep digging. But I can keep my promise by saying that I'm not going to let you go alone. We are going to do this together Rick. "

Castle swallowed. Six years ago he would never have guessed that the tables would have turned so drastically. But they had. He knew that the only way to right them was to do so together.

So he got down on one knee.

Kate's eyes widened. Amelia and James stopped playing. The entire world froze.

"Katherine Houghton Beckett will you...Kate!"

Castle jumped to his feet to catch his wife who collapsed into his arms.

"Mummy!" Amelia shouted rushing to her father's side.

Kate came to with the sight of her daughter and husband's worried faces blocking out the sun.

"I'm alright baby," she reassured her, "just lost my balance that's all."

Looking very unconvinced Amelia went to protest but with a quick look at her father decided otherwise and made her way back to the blanket.

"You alright?" Castle whispered, stroking Kate's hair back and helping her to sit up.

"Yeah just blanked out for a second I'm sorry-"

"No its me who should be apologising. Throwing all that information at you I should have thought-"

"No. You where right. You know me, I like to know all of the facts sooner rather than later. But urm... Maybe we could continue this conversation later, Amelia has already seen and heard too much. She looks terrified."

Castle nodded in agreement and helped her to her feet.

'Plus," Kate took a deep breath and stepped forward whilst allowing him to support her weight. "Oh my god you're proposing!"

Castle's eyes widened. "Okay you're surprised?"

"Of course I'm surprised I thought you were breaking up with me," Kate began to grin as she watched him try to process what was happening.

"By offering you a ring?"

"You sounded so serious." Kate explained whilst shifting her weight sightly.

"This is the most serious thing I have ever done." Castle stated just as sure as he had been the first time.

Kate closed the small distance between them with a firm kiss.

"So that's a yes?" Castle whispered as he gently dropped his forehead to rest against hers.

"No-" Kate replied her smile lighting up her face.

"No?" Castle felt his own smile grow.

"No not no."

"You do know how this works right?"

Any other attempt at dialogue quickly failed as they both burst into laughter.

"Richard Edgar Alexander Rodgers Castle yes, yes I will marry you and yes I did just remember one of the most shockingly wonderful moments of my life."


	8. Chapter 8- The blissfully happy

**AN its been so long since I updated, I'm sorry, but my only excuse is life.**

"Beckett?"

Kate gave her son one last kiss on the cheek before spinning the wheelchair around so that she could see her husband standing in the doorway. "Yes?"

Castle gestured for his wife to follow him down the hall, waiting until he had closed the door behind them, before he began speaking again. "What would you say if I suggested that we get the family together tomorrow night for dinner? I obviously explained that you needed a bit of time before you seen them but they've been asking for you since the day you woke up and-"

Kate grabbed his hand. "Castle," she whispered, mindful of their sleeping children, "It would be great to see them. That is assuming that you are including our work family?"

"Trust me I'll never forget them again." Castle muttered, shaking his head when Beckett frowned.

He let her hand go, only to place his own on her shoulder, as they continued down the corridor. The stairs had been the thorn in Kate's side for the last couple of days but now they had just about had them mastered. With one swoop he picked her up in his arms and lifted her bridal style until he could lie her on the sofa.

He returned within a couple of seconds with the chair unceremoniously dropped at the bottom of the stairs.

Immediately he lifted Kate's feet onto his lap and began massaging each foot whilst lifting his laptop from the table before them.

Kate smirked as she watched him. She tilted her head back and closed her eyes focussing everything on the movement of his hands. She sighed in contentment as he hit the spot just below her ankle at which point she couldn't help but groan.

"You alright?" he asked immediately.

She wriggled her toes in response to his cease of movement. When he began again she replied, "Stop worrying about me Castle, I'll tell you if something is wrong."

Castle gave her a small smile and flipped open his laptop screen. He flinched suddenly but Kate knew exactly what was going on. She half expected a lightbulb to appear above his head when he had moments like this. He had explained to her before, how it felt when an idea just hit him, like he had received an electric shock.

There was no stopping him now she knew. Feeling his hands leave her foot to join the other on its sprint across the keyboard. It had never bothered her before, in fact she found "writing Castle" rather attractive, but she had to admit that she had been enjoying that massage.

Shaking her head at her selfishness she merely tucked her legs beneath herself as best she could and picked up the book she had left abandoned earlier that afternoon.

So they sat, Castle writing, Beckett reading. The loft silent apart from the tapping of the keyboard and the distant sounds of traffic from the outside world.

"Mommy?"

But the bubble burst again.

"Yes baby?" Kate turned her head to look at her daughter.

Amelia's small frame looked even smaller as she stood slumped at the bottom of the stairs. A stuffed elephant in one hand, the other gripping the banister as though it would stop her from falling to the floor that her bare feet stood upon.

"I'm sorry mummy. Had a bad dream. Daddy says not to interrupt when he is writing or on the computer and I wasn't sure if he would be cause he didn't write when you were in hospital. I didn't want to shout but I wanted to see you so I sneaked down." Amelia rambled as tears began to fill her eyes.

"Come here Amelia," Kate beckoned.

Amelia sprinted to her mum's side and threw her arms around her neck as soon as she could.

"I've got you," Kate whispered as she tightened her grip on the girl. "Come on we'll lie in mummy and daddy's bed for a bit and let daddy get some writing done yes?"

Amelia nodded. The young girl gripped Kate tightly for no more than thirty seconds before she seemed to remember that her mother would not be carrying her to her bed. "Sorry mummy. Do you need your chair?" She mumbled pulling back and standing out of Kate's way.

Kate sighed and looked at Amelia. Apologetic, sweet and cute as a button. Definitely Castle's daughter.

She pushed herself to her feet and steadied herself on the edge of the sofa. So far she had completed four hours of physiotherapy and it did seem to be working. Between that, the constant exercises and food regime, she was sure that she wouldn't need the chair for much longer. In fact…

"I think I'll be able to get there without it. Let's go."

Slowly but surely Kate made her way to her bedroom, Amelia's hand tightly clutching her own.

She sat on the edge of the bed and pulled back the covers before beckoning for her daughter to jump in. Kate couldn't help but smile as she watched her daughter laugh before leaping onto the mattress and under the covers.

"So," Kate began. Both mother and daughter now lying side by side. "What's keeping you awake?"

Amelia curled up and made a deal of tucking in her elephant before looking back at her mother. "I'm scared mummy." She admitted her bright eyes filling with tears.

"Sweety," Kate pulled Amelia closer until she could hold her tight. "What's scaring you?"

"I'm scared about you mummy. Somethings funny but not in a good way like one of daddy's jokes. Something is different. Are you really okay?"

Kate swallowed back her own tears. Perceptive and inquisitive too. Was there any genes that her daughter hadn't inherited from her father? She blinked once. Swallowed. How the hell was she supposed to explain this to her daughter?

"Amelia would I ever break a lie to you?"

Amelia shook her head.

"That's right I'll always tell you the truth the best I can. I can't promise you that I'm going to be all better by tomorrow. You are a smart girl Amelia. I'm still not back to normal yet but I can promise you that I am going to do absolutely everything that I can to make sure that I get all better. For you and for James and Melody. I will get better." Kate promised.

"Okay mummy." Amelia yawned causing a small chuckle to escape from Kate.

"How about you try to get to sleep before Daddy is finished then you'll get to sleep here all night?" Kate suggested.

Amelia grinned despite her drooping eyes. "Night mummy, love you."

"Love you too baby." Kate whispered.

She stroked her daughter's hair until she was sure she was asleep before she slipped out of the bed and forced her legs to move towards the computer in the office.

Her daughter's words kept replaying in her head. Castle was right. They had to find the monster that had done this to their family.

She turned on the screen.

It took a couple of seconds for it to load at which point she found herself standing in front of a lock-screen with a beautiful family photo in the background. Along with a demand for a password.

Knowing fine well what her husband was like Kate didn't really expect the usual password to work. But as she approached the screen, she heard a small murmur from the bedroom. She turned her head to check on her daughter and couldn't help but smile when she realised that she had been talking in her sleep.

Resuming her focus to the screen she wasn't really thinking when she hit the six keys forcing the computer to unlock. But it wasn't the password she had originally planned on typing.

"Muscle memory."

Kate startled. She spun on the spot to find her husband framed in the doorway.

"Suppose it was," Kate agreed, smiling at him nonetheless. "Get some writing done?"

He nodded and walked over to stand beside her. "Most I've written since …How's Amelia?"

Kate slipped her hand into his. She took her time linking each digit before she spoke again. "She's brave. I think I've told her enough to calm her fears. I, on the other hand need answers Rick and you do too."

She turned her attention from their hands to the screen.

Without a word Castle clicked on the recycling bin and resaved the only folder inside it. Within seconds a document appeared on the screen that Kate had hoped she would never have had to see again, once Bracken was arrested.

Faces she didn't recognise were now mixed amongst the people that she hated the most in the world. But it was one face in particular, more so the red writing across it, that caught her eye. Bracken. Deceased.

"How?" she gasped turning to her husband who looked stoically into the screen as though he were staring not at a computer program, but at a line-up of people he wanted to personally see the end to. "Babe?"

"He was stabbed in his cell. Gutted like a fish. They said he suffered. Served him right." Castle spat out every word with the venom of a snake. He still refused to look at her.

Kate tore her eyes from her husband only to have them catch those of another man that sent a cold shiver down her spine. Another man who was also deceased. Vulcan Simmons.

Well, she mused, at least there was that. She should be happy, she thought. Her worst enemies were dead. Gone. They posed no threat to her, to Castle, to their family. But she couldn't even consider smiling. For, if they were dead, and she still had a target on her back, then this target must be so much bigger than she could imagine.

They had said that about Bracken, she reminded herself. They had said that about a lot of people she had faced. Yet looking at the board before her it was clear that she had put an end to them all.

Kate cleared her throat. "So, how far are you on the case?"

Castle still distant replied automatically, "Not very." He stepped forward and waved his free hand across the screen causing the faces to muddle and disappear until only a handful were left. "It's either one of them. Or someone else altogether."

He turned around to face his wife. As his eyes met hers a moment of understanding seemed to pass through them. She knew what he was about to say but that didn't stop her from hoping that he wouldn't.

"I've been thinking. You now I would never tell you to change who you are and striving for justice is in your DNA. Not only that but it would be unbelievably hypocritical for me to even suggest that you…" Castle paused, took a breath, then started again. "I know you want to find this guy but Kate, what if it's too much. Your memory should be our priority not revenge. Don't you think we need that more?"

Kate sighed and dropped her gaze to the floor. "I just feel so hopeless all of the time. I know we've talked about this but I need something to do. Everyone keeps telling me that my memory will come back in time but what am I supposed to do in the meantime? Sit around and hope for a miracle?"

Castle nodded. He made his way to her and wrapped his arms around her waist. "I understand. Urm…" he trailed off his head tilting slightly to the right in thought. "Okay how about this? I've been reading up on how we are going to get your memory back, as you know, and I hadn't been having much luck until last night. I found a programme that I could take. It only takes about three days to complete and it teaches you how to do basic exercises that might help a loved one who would rather not go to an expert. It obviously won't be just as successful but I think that it could work. What do you say Kate? How about I take this programme, help you get some of your memories back then we face this together?"

Kate lifted her head and smiled at him despite the tears rolling down her cheeks. "You need to stop making me cry so much," she choked out followed by a slap to the chest.

Castle chuckled before pulling her in until he could rest his chin on her head. He would forever marvel in moments like these when he could just hold his wife and be the blissfully happy man he had always strived to be. Even now, after everything they had been through, were still going through, he never had to remind himself to be grateful for what he still had.

"So is that a yes are we together on his?" he asked, not daring to look down at her and instead focussing on the computer screen before them.

"Always."


	9. Chapter 9- The deafening silence

Kate had never forgotten the darkness that could plague a mind. It was not something, she supposed, that could ever be truly forgotten. To lie awake at night, terrified to go to sleep, knowing what will meet you in your subconscious and knowing too, that there was absolutely nothing that you could to avoid it.

She had tried in the past to find ways of helping her sleep. Thinking positive thoughts- at the time there wasn't really that many. Not many anyway that didn't cause a pang in her chest for what she didn't have but yearned for deeply.

Calming music- but that only stressed her out more. If a masked figure were to walk in how would she hear them?

Even breathing techniques but they only made her fall into the darkness quicker, let her demons attack her sooner.

So as she sat watching the clock tick past every second leading up to the moment Castle would suggest that they sleep, she could barely swallow the scream clawing up her throat.

She turned to look at him. He sat silently reading, with that cute little frown on his face, as he scrutinized every word that he had written earlier on that evening. It made her smile. Kate sighed. Her instinct to run and hide, lick her wounds. Her gut reaction to step up and bite the bullet. To face sleep now with the idea that at least she would have more time to settle. Her heart simply yearning for him. It all became mixed up in a huge tornado of emotion.

Her breathing started to quicken, her fingers curled into fists, a panic attack creeping up on her.

"Castle," she whispered whilst she still had a breath, before it all really went south. "Castle I … I need you to…" To what? To hold her tight until her broken pieces fitted back together? To let her be so she had space and solitude to calm herself? To help her sleep without the now dead enemies of her past coming alive in her subconscious?

"What do you need me to do Beckett?"

When did he get there? Right at her feet. Right in front of her face.

"Hold me, Rick please I can't-"

In an instant he had her in the cradle of his arms. He held her just tight enough not to be painful. He didn't move. He didn't speak. He just let her breathe.

It was so unreal, unnatural, probably not scientifically possible, but at that moment Kate was sure that she felt a wave of calmness wash from him into her through the deafening silence of the living room. Her Aunt Theresa had mentioned to her once about the way people were able to suck out others emotions, like real life death eaters. That certainly wasn't happening now, but it was the closest description she could find. Except, instead of the transfer being dark, this was more giving rather than taking.

After what could have been seconds, minutes, hours (okay probably not hours since Melody hadn't decided she was hungry), Kate whispered, "I'm scared to sleep Castle. I'm scared that when I close my eyes, I'll be face to face with Bracken, or Simmons, or anyone else on that computer, and I can't go there. They'll get to you, to our children. I know they will, I can see it all playing out in my head but whilst I'm awake I can stop it but when I'm not it'll continue until …" The words tumbled from her mouth as though they were spoken by someone else.

"Listen Beckett you're not thinking straight, you're tired and you're drained. This reaction is completely normal for the situation that you are in. Hell I didn't sleep for a week after your attack. But I got through it and you will too, come on, I'll show you how I did it." Castle didn't give her a second to respond as he stood with her still in his arms and made his way through to their room.

He helped her to stand next to their bed before turning and opening their window to let in a cold breeze. He then closed the curtains, switched on the lamp at their bedside and turned the setting down to dim.

Then he turned to her. He swallowed as he watched her stand still, not entirely sure where to go or what to do with herself. Having their children around usually made things easier as they spent most of their time chasing after them and had absolutely no time to think.

Silently, he offered her his hands and helped her sit down on the bed. They were dressed for sleep already, so all Castle had to do was throw his house coat over a chair and slip under the sheets next to her.

She looked so frail. So small. She was still too thin. He felt like even the lightest touch could break her sometimes. Earlier, when she had asked, he had went on instinct, just doing what he always did when she was at that tipping point. But now, now he was left unsure if he had caused her pain.

She stopped those thoughts in seconds by sliding over until she was as close to him as she could get. "Rick," she whispered into his neck when he pulled her closer still. "You were going to show me something."

He chuckled lightly and kissed her head. Then he slid from her embrace slightly and reached for the bedside cabinet where he had left his phone. He found a pair of headphones whilst he was waiting for it to turn on but just as he plugged them in he felt Kate move restlessly.

"You alright?"

"Castle I can't listen to music whilst I sleep. I get paranoid and stressed and –"

"Trust me Beckett," he whispered as he cradled her cheek in his palm. "I know this will work."

He continued to mess about for a second before he found what he was looking for and gave her one earbud.

She placed it in her ear, still looking unsure, and waited for the music to start. Instead a gentle sound of the ocean filled her ears.

She looked at her husband in surprise but he merely smirked.

"Now Beckett all I want you to do is relax and follow my instructions yes?"

"Okay Castle take it away," Kate gave her consent before rolling over until she was comfortable. Then she closed her eyes.

"I want you to picture our house in the Hamptons, just round the back we have a hammock remember? We lay in it for hours when we got that getaway for a weekend. There was no murder that time."

She smiled in response so he continued.

"Well I want you to picture that you are lying there now. You can hear the ocean, smell the salty breeze. The warm sun is tickling your skin and you're swaying slightly. You are calm and relaxed. Can you picture it Kate?"

"Yes," she breathed in response.

"Okay now I want you to curl your toes, count to seven then relax. Then do the same with your legs and all the way up to your neck. All this time you are on that hammock in the sun."

She began to do as he asked, toes, hamstring, calf, stomach, arms… fingers…

When he was sure that she was asleep, Castle gently removed the earplugs. He turned off the music and left the phone back on the nightstand, before turning off the lamp.

Finally he slowly wrapped one strong arm around his wife, closed his eyes and smiled.

He knew it would work. After all he had done it before.

Kate had never been so glad to hear a babies cry. Sure, she hoped no harm had come of her daughter, after all she was most likely just hungry, but no nightmares had disrupted her sleep as of yet and she wanted to keep it that way. If that meant waking up to go and visit her baby girl then so be it.

Just as she began to sit up Castle began to stir. "Beckett I'll get her its fine-"

"No." Kate interrupted as she pushed her husband back into the mattress. "I've got this Rick."

Kate took one deep breath then pushed herself to her feet. Melody was only five feet away, she could easily make the journey with no wheelchair.

"Hey baby what's wrong?" She cooed as she scooped her up and into her arms, cradling her close. "Are you hungry hmm? Do you want some milk?"

Melody continued to weep.

"Right, how about we go and get some and leave daddy to sleep?" Kate suggested. She turned to find her chair, knowing that she was far too tired to make it much further. She slipped into it whist holding melody firmly in her grasp.

Now for the part that she hadn't really thought about. How was she going to push herself?

After a couple of seconds and readjustments she managed to balance her daughter against her chest whilst keeping her hands free to push.

She moved quickly but carefully into the kitchen.

Within minutes she had successfully managed to not only feed her daughter but to get her back to sleep.

It probably didn't make much sense for her to have such a strong sense of achievement at this. All she had done was do what any parent would, but the fact that this child in her arms knew no different, was probably least affected by all of this, brought her a tiny bit of peace to know that she hadn't failed here.

"I'm never going to let you or your big brother and sister down again Melody." She whispered to her daughter. "I promise, from now on, I'm going to be here for you, always."


	10. Chapter 10-The forced smile

When Castle woke up the following morning he had very little recollection of his wife leaving his bed. But he was nevertheless proud when he heard what she had done.

Now as they sat at the table: Amelia quietly eating her cereal, James causing a fuss over his, Melody gurgling from her cot in the living room, he felt for the first time that perhaps they could pick up from where they left off.

Then he heard a small crash from his office and cursed himself for being so stupid.

"I'll be back in a second. Amelia watch James." Castle told his daughter. They would be fine for a minute whilst he checked on Kate and he could see them from his office anyway. But to be on the safe side he warned them not to move. The only reply he received was a huge grin from his daughter at the thought of being in charge.

With a last stern look, Castle rushed from the room to find his wife sitting amongst a pile of paper.

"What are you doing?" he asked as he looked over his shoulder to check on their children before he picked up the sheet nearest to him.

"I'm looking through all of the documents we have of the case." Kate replied, her gaze focused on the folder in her hands.

Castle sighed, "Beckett we talked about this. I thought we were putting it off until-"

"No Castle. I should have been clearer. I'm looking through all of this to try to see if I can remember any of it and I think it might be working. I found the name Rachel McCord in a folder regarding the FBI. She was my partner and apparently she died due to a redacted memo but here's the thing. In none of these folders does it say what she looked like, there are no pictures, but I can see her Rick. I know her face. And then there's-"

A crash came from the kitchen.

Both parents stumbled into the room to find an innocent looking three year old and a very angry looking six year old.

"James Roy Castle what have you done!" Kate demanded of her son.

"Nothing my breakfast fell." James replied quickly, looking up at her as though nothing was wrong.

Kate then noticed a bowl of cereal on the floor.

"Amelia?" Castle asked as he folded his arms and looked at his daughter.

"James was being bad daddy. He said he didn't want his breakfast l but I said I was in charge cause Daddy said so and that he has to eat his breakfast cause Mummy says it's the most important meal of the day." Amelia replied in a very matter of fact way that was far too mature for girl her age.

Kate, who had been having what could only be called a staring competition with their son, turned back to look at her husband expectantly.

"Right, James don't you dare throw your food about like that again. " Castle told his son sternly. "But Amelia you can't make James eat it if he doesn't want to alright? Some rules you have to leave to Mummy and Daddy."

Both children nodded in consent.

"Okay now that's over with, James help me clean this up whilst the girls go and get ready for the party."

"Party?" Both Amelia and James asked at the same time.

Castle smirked, "Oh did I forget to mention, the Ryans, Uncle Esposito, Aunt Lanie and Diego are coming over tonight?"

Amelia and James squealed in delight and immediately began to do their best to help to clean up.

Kate smiled. She made her way to the living room to pick up Melody and bring her through to join the rest of the family. She couldn't help but think that she really was going to be amazed by her love for them every single day. But, if she was honest, she was alright with that.

...

Kate was standing in the wardrobe when Castle found her. She looked lost despite being surrounded by her own clothes.

"Beckett, you alright?"

She flinched. "Yeah I'm fine, just trying to decide what to wear. One of lives daily struggles I know, but it's a lot harder when you don't even know your own wardrobe. "

She was running the silk of a green dress through her fingers as she spoke. It was beautiful, just as the last ten outfits she had looked at had been, but it didn't feel right. It didn't help that she didn't know what the dress code was supposed to be.

"I've told everyone to dress smart. Called it a welcome home party. But if you're not comfortable with that I could let them know." Castle suggested as he walked forward until he was standing directly behind her.

"No Castle, I think a party is just what we need. I'll find something." She put back the dress and turned to face him so that she could wrap her arms around him.

"You know," Castle said as he placed his hands on her hips. He was silent for a minute too long that Kate knew he was thinking about something. Eventually he seemed to come to a decision as he whispered to her, "I never told you James had a middle name, but earlier when you were giving him into trouble, you used it."

Kate looked up at him in shock. "Roy," she whispered.

Castle nodded, a small smile appearing on his face, "Yeah we decided on boys names and girls names when we were expecting Amelia. At first we thought that it was best to pick names we liked as their first names, and pick their middle names after someone, but then we realised that James was one of the only boy names we agreed on. So, we decided that if we had son we would name him James Roy after your dad and Montgomery, and if we had a daughter-"

"Amelia Johanna," Kate whispered so quietly that he almost didn't hear her. She wasn't looking at him anymore, instead her gaze had become fixed on the carpet.

"Yeah," he replied, "Lucky guess or did you remember?"

Kate tore herself out of her daze and looked up at him. "I'm not sure. I know later memories should come back first so it was probably more of a guess but it just felt right to say out loud. Kind of like James Roy I suppose."

Castle looked at her, slowly gaging her reaction before he said it. "And Melody…" he trailed off, giving her time to think.

Kate sighed, frown lines growing deeper in her face. She started whispering her daughter's name under her breath but couldn't seem to find the right letters.

She shook her head, broke their eye-contact. It was moments like these that really got to her. She supposed to be their mother yet she couldn't even think of her their child's full name.

"Hey," Castle pulled her out of her despair before she could get lost in it again. "Don't worry about it. It's not like the other two, you don't shout her full name when you're angry, and like you said, the later memories come back first."

Kate forced a nod, a gentle smile, then asked, "What's her name?"

"You let me pick it actually," Castle smiled at her in a way that he did when he was telling a particularly interesting tale. "You said that it only seemed fair since our first two were named after your parents. So I spoke to Mother, asked her if she wouldn't mind me naming our last child after her, but she refused. Instead she said she would rather her last grandchild had a name that fulfilled the spirit of Marth Rodgers- hence she chose the name Melody. But her full name, I wouldn't tell you that until I had signed the papers, is Melody Katherine Castle."

Kate felt the ground spin beneath her. He had chosen to name their child after her?

"Named after two of the strongest women that I know." Castle smiled at her and tucked a strand of hair behind her ear.

Kate felt tears spring to her eyes but she forced them not to spill over.

"Enough of that," Castle joked he pulled her closer. "Happy from now on yes?"

Kate nodded and smiled. She let herself admire the amazing, selfless man before her. A man that had risked his life for her, had forced his way into her life and created something magical.

"Where are the little monkeys?" she asked, once she had found her voice again, "It's far too quiet."

Castle laughed, "Amelia is trying to choose an outfit, James is watching tv in a huff because I told him he couldn't wear his elephant onesie and Melody is sleeping. In other words we have about fifteen minutes of peace before all hell breaks loose again so I'd get searching." He kissed her gently before pulling away and whispering, "I could help you choose?"

She rolled her eyes, "Sure Castle you can help me choose. The most revealing dress I presume will be your number one choice?"

"You know me so well," he replied before escaping from her arms before she could hit him. "I'll go watch the kids, you get ready, then we can swap?"

She nodded in agreement and watched him leave before turning back to the shelves.

After ten minutes Melody was crying, James was jumping on the sofa and Amelia was still no-where to be seen.

"Right," Castle clasped his hands together before picking up James and spinning him around. "Enough jumping thank-you." He put his son on the floor and made his way to Melody's cot. "Okay Mel calm down, Mummy will pick an outfit eventually." He swayed the cot gently until eventually she stopped wailing. That was until a scream came from upstairs.

Castle spun around to find that James had disappeared. He knew immediately what had happened.

"Daaaadddd James is in my room!" Amelia shouted, confirming his suspicions.

"James!" Castle shouted in reply. He heard a thud as his son slammed the door, followed by a bouncing noise as he slid down the stairs.

Castle groaned and made his way into his own room.

He froze when he came face to face with his wife. "Wow."

Kate smiled and ducked her head to hide behind her softly flowing waves of shining brown air. Her midnight blue dress swayed over her curves as she shuffled six inch stilettoes across the floor. She had mentioned to him earlier that she felt strong enough to go without the chair whilst in the house but he hadn't expected her to be ready for the heels. Then again, this was Kate Beckett.

"You look…wow."

Kate laughed a little at her husband's speechlessness. "Thanks Castle," she joked as her stance strengthened immediately as though her husband's approval was the only reassurance she needed.

He bracketed her hips with his hands, bent down to whisper something in her ear, when he was interrupted by a shout from upstairs.

"Mum I don't know what to wear!" Amelia shouted.

Castle groaned and pulled away from his wife. "I believe that is your cue."

Kate laughed and brushed past him before exiting the room.

Kate made her way through to Amelia's bedroom and couldn't help but laugh at what she saw. The six year old was on the floor surrounded by clothes, jewellery, shoes and a random pair of socks.

"Amelia, what are you doing?" Kate asked as she crouched down next to her daughter as best she could.

Amelia looked up at her with an adorable frown on her face. "I can't find anything to wear mummy," she said like it was the most normal thing in the world for a six year old to be fussing over what to wear.

"Pick whatever you feel the most comfy in sweety no one is going to mind. Hey, you could wear pyjamas if you wanted." Kate was well aware that her daughter wouldn't accept that suggestion so wasn't at all surprised by her reaction.

For Amelia looked like Kate had just suggested that she went naked. "Mummy don't be so silly I have to look pretty cause this is a special party. I just want you to be happy mummy and you were really really really happy that time we went out for dinner at the adult restaurant and I had on a pretty dress. "

Kate slowly sat down on the floor next to her daughter, being very careful not to crease her dress, and pulled her into a one armed hug. "Listen Amelia, I'll be happy no matter what you wear. It wasn't the dress that made me smile it was the person wearing it. Now come on let's find you an outfit before everyone gets here."

Amelia smiled and helped her mum to look through the piles of discarded clothes. Just as Kate had managed to fold away the majority of the pile, Amelia spoke again.

"Will Alexis be coming tonight?" she asked innocently.

Kate froze, a red dress slipping from her fingers. It wasn't that she had forgotten about her step-daughter, quite the opposite really. Every quiet moment she got was filled with her trying to picture the scene of her attack, doing anything, everything that she could to try to remember what had happened. To try to come up with some idea of what she could have done to make Alexis resent her so much. But she couldn't.

"I don't know." Kate replied, holding up the dress again for her daughter's inspection, as though nothing had happened. "Do you want her to come?"

Amelia nodded, a huge smile crossing her face, "Of course I do mummy, she's my big sister and I haven't seen her in soooo long."

Her smile faltered for a second, as she examined the dress, and was replaced with a frown. Her thinking face, Kate had realised, was exactly like her father's. "Can I wear that one mummy?" She asked, as she reached out for the dress Kate was holding.

Kate handed it to her and forced a smile onto her face. "Of course you can," she watched as Amelia sprung to her feet and started to change.

Within fifteen minutes Amelia looked ready for the red carpet. Her green dress flowed down past her white satin shoes and her hair was flowing in natural curls. She looked like a little princess and Kate found the smile that spread across her face, as she stood behind her daughter to look at her in the mirror, was the least forced smile she had given since the matter of Alexis had been brought up.

Kate bent down to kiss Amelia's head then whispered in her ear, "How about you keep look out at the window and shout a special code word when they come?" she suggested.

Amelia nodded enthusiastically, "Cheeseburgers?" she suggested.

Kate smiled, sure she had heard that somewhere before. "Cheeseburgers."

Kate made her way slowly back down the stairs, her grip on the banister as tight as if it were a lifeline.

Finally she reached the bottom and made her way over to the couch where she found James sitting with a book. He couldn't read any of the words but the bright pictures, Kate had learned, could keep him amused for hours.

"Hi James," she said as she ran her hand through her sons thick hair, "Where's dad?"

James pointed to his parent's room without looking up.

"Thanks buddy," Kate gave his hair one last ruffle then made her way to find her husband.

"Hey babe you nearly ready?" she spoke, just loud enough so that he could hear her but their daughter wouldn't wake up.

"Yeah," Castle replied as he emerged from their room.

It was Kate's turn to look at the person she loved in awe. He was wearing a red shirt, the kind that made him look dazzling and contrasted with his eyes. The bow tie looked different from his normal look. It was the first time that she had seen him style his hair since it was sprinkled with grey and she liked it. A lot.

"A speechless Kate Beckett now isn't that a first?" Castle joked as he wrapped his arms around her waist.

"Can't a wife simply appreciate her husband's ruggedly handsome looks?" she asked

He laughed."What's the kids doing?"

"James is still reading. Melody sleeping and Amelia is keeping look out. So," she checked her watch, "we are actually ready with five minutes to spare." Kate informed him.

"So why the frown?" Castle rubbed his thumb across the frown lines etched etched across her forehead.

"Nothing, it's just something Amelia said..." she trailed off, an uncomfortable silence filling the air.

"Yes?" he interrupted.

"She just asked if Alexis was coming that's all." Kate tried to play it off like it was nothing but she knew he wouldn't believe her.

"Right. Well I never mentioned it to her when-" Castle froze, realizing that he had said too much.

"You spoke to her?" Kate razed her eyebrows and he knew there was no way he getting out of this.

"Yeah she urm called earlier. She still cares about you, wanted to know how you were getting on." he replied.

They both stopped and simply stared at each other. He finally dropped the forced smiles and fake laughs. He finally let his guard down, and Kate couldn't help the pang of guilt as she looked into his eyes to see the true pain that this was causing him.

"Castle-"

"Kate -"

"Cheeseburgers!"

Kate silently kissed him then led the way to greet their guests.


	11. Chapter 11- The minor disaster

**AN I know that it has been forever since I updated but I've been doing my exams and I made a promise to myself not to write until they were done. Now that I have some time before my last one here I am :) I'm so thankful for everyone who is still reading this and I thank you for your patience at this stressful time!**

Before Kate and her husband could reach the door, Amelia had pulled it wide open.

"Grams! Gramps!" she and her brother cried in excitement as they rushed forward to greet their grandparents.

Kate watched with a small smile on her face as Amelia turned so that Martha could admire her dress. Her smile grew as she heard her mother in law tell her daughter that she would make a beautiful actress one day.

James meanwhile started talking away to Jim so fast that Kate could barely make out what he was saying. Her dad seemed to understand though, chuckling and ruffling his grandson's hair when he had finished.

Kate turned to look at Castle to find him not looking at their children but at her. The look in his eyes was clear- he was worried about her. Probably still worried about his other child that wouldn't be walking through that door and joining in the family reunion.

She forced her lips back into a small smile and turned to watch Martha pull out three small presents from her bag. They were wrapped in golden paper with red ribbon. The smile on Kate's face grew- Martha hadn't lost her dramatic nature in the years that had past. But as she handed out the presents telling them that they were from both herself and their Gramps, Kate found the small knot that had been tightening in her stomach relax slightly. At least she knew that their parents had indeed put their differences aside completely.

Kate felt Castle's presence disappear from her side. All at once she felt incredibly vulnerable. She shook her head at her own stupidity. These were people who loved her, cared about her, just as she did them. They weren't about to judge her for what had happened or push her to talk about it. Never the less she felt a wave of relief wash over her when Castle returned, Melody in his arms, before either of their guests got a moment to speak.

He walked past her, handed Martha her youngest grandchild, before shutting the front door and returning to Kate's side.

They both watched in silence as Amelia helped James to open his present, her new Disney princess doll (Mulan, Kate recognised) already open. James grinned in delight as he cried, "dinosaur!"

Kate laughed as she watched her son pull out a plastic T-rex from the wrappings and show it up to her.

"Wow Scary," Kate commented, the first words that had past her lips since her argument with her husband.

Her dad, who had been unwrapping Melody's present for her, a new stuffed rabbit, turned to smile at her.

She found herself automatically smiling back but then she allowed herself to have her first real look at her father and the smile quickly disappeared. As a child she had always admired her mother but, due to their joint love of baseball, she and her father spent just as much time together and were just as close. His kind eyes and gentle smile had always been a source of comfort especially when they were a sign that he was sober during the worst of his alcoholic stage. But now, as he stared at her with that familiar look, she couldn't help but notice just how old he had gotten, just how frail he had become. It scared her, she couldn't deny it. Here was a man who she had helped get through the worst period of his life, in return for how he raised her as a child, and no matter how dysfunctional it seemed their relationship had always been strong. But now he was as much a stranger to her as her children were if for different reasons. Sure she could remember all of the good times growing up, as well as all of the bad, but the last eight years of memories were gone and no matter how hard she tried she might never find them again. The last happy memories that she had with her father could be gone forever.

No Kate corrected herself. He was here now standing in front of her with Martha at his side. There was plenty of time to make new memories in the here and now and she would be damned if she let anything stop her.

"Right you two," Castle interrupted once Amelia and James had had thanked their grandparents. "Back to look out we have other guests coming remember and you'll have plenty of time to see Gram and Gramps later."

Amelia and James raced off, James making dinosaur noises as he chased after his sister with his new toy, whilst she held her own protectively against her chest, leaving the adults to feel the tension rise around them. Kate looked between her father and mother in law, Martha and Jim looked between Castle and each other, leaving Castle to merely watch his wife.

"Shall I take your coats?" Castle suggested, moving forward to help them remove their coats before hanging them up in the cupboard behind them. Still no one else spoke.

"Oh Katie," Jim stepped forward to place both hands on his daughters shoulders and looked her straight in the eye in the way that he did when he was trying to get her to confess to drinking during her rebel phase.

She smiled at him in return and pulled him into a hug, "I'm alright dad," Kate promised as she let her gaze fall on Martha over his shoulder, "honestly I'm alright."

Martha nodded, "Is there anything we can do darling, anything at all?" she asked, looking at Kate with surprisingly no pity. In fact Kate recognised the love in Martha's eyes and she would be forever thankful for it.

She slowly eased herself from her father's arms and shook her head, "Just act normal?" she suggested, knowing too well how stupid her request seemed. "I know it's difficult but I need to get my memories back myself and we have been making progress. I've got as far as the day Rick proposed and we're hopeful that together we can get everything back but the best way to help is by simply acting as you would have had nothing happened. I seem to remember better that way."

Both parents nodded in acceptance and Kate sighed in relief. "There will of course be time for going down memory lane latter," she added, not wanting them to feel like they couldn't talk about the past at all.

Castle smiling beckoned them into the kitchen where he had set up the dining table. They each took their usual seat, Kate and Rick at the left hand side furthest to the top, Martha across from her son, Jim across from his daughter.

Castle had been trying to reach Kate's gaze, she had felt his eyes burn into the back of her head, but she wasn't ready to see the pain on his face again or to answer any questions that he would try to convey to her without words in the way that only he knew how. She knew he would try to speak to her in private at some point but that could wait.

"So how are our grand-kids doing?" Jim asked as he looked between Rick and Kate.

Kate smiled, "their holding up well. Amelia seems to know that something isn't right but she isn't letting it get to her-"

"She's strong like her mother," Castle interrupted without missing a beat. He placed his hand on Kate's knee and stroked circles with his thumb as an apology for earlier.

Kate allowed herself to look at him, knowing that he wouldn't try anything now that all attention was on them, and smiled in her own way of saying sorry, before she turned back to Martha and Jim. "James has been causing mayhem, like this morning when he flipped over his cereal then acted like it had somehow fallen on its own."

The entire family couldn't help but chuckle at that.

"And Melody is only getting up once, sometimes twice, during the night." Castle finished, "so we are all more than happy to get some decent nights sleep."

"Cheeseburgers!"

Martha and Jim frowned but Kate just shook her head and stood up to go and great their next guests, with her husband following closely behind.

Amelia and James once again bet them to the door, surprising everyone at the speed that they flew down the stairs at.

The second that the door opened Kate felt a bunch of arms wrap around her and only stayed standing due to Castle who had grabbed her from behind.

"What the-"

Kate looked down to see three young children staring back at her and couldn't help but laugh.

"We missed you Auntie Kate!" they all shouted at once in what was probably a rehearsed idea. Kate laughed again.

Thank you Sarah Grace, Matthew, Thomas and Diego," Kate replied, bending down to give each child a kiss on the head as she said their name.

"It's SG Aunt Kate," Sarah corrected, looking up at her as though she had just called her something offensive, "You know that by now."

"And I'm Matt," Matthew added.

Kate faltered for merely a second before replying, "Sorry SG, Matt I don't know what I was thinking."

The young girl thankfully accepted Kate's excuse and was the first to pull away from their hug. Kate watched in wonder as their children greeted their cousins and ran upstairs and out of sight in a matter of minutes. That was apart from Diego, who stayed behind long enough to tell her that she had said his name perfectly, before running off to join the havoc that upstairs had become.

She watched him leave before turning around to face her best friends for the first time. She felt tears form as she looked at Kevin and Havier looking dazzling in their suits but with an air of professionalism that came with the many years of experience that they both now had. She smiled at them and stepped forward to pull them into a tight embrace.

"We missed you Beckett," Esposito whispered to her as he hugged her.

"You had us all worried," Ryan finished as he too held her tight.

"I've missed you both too," Kate told them, realising herself just how true that statement was. She had been awake for less than a week but their presence at her side had been absent, and now that they were here, she realised that this was truly what she needed after all.

She pulled away from her boys only to embrace Lanie and Jenny.

Castle must have gestured for the boys to join the others at the table as they both reluctantly followed him.

"How are you doing Kate?" Lanie asked, so that only she and Jenny could hear.

"I'm a lot better now Lanie." Kate promised. "I've remembered up to the day Rick proposed and this morning I remembered the kids middle names so its progress I guess."

Lanie smiled at her, "You'll get there." She told her friend as she gave her arm one last reassuring squeeze before she began to make her way to the table with a demand that Castle be a better host and get her some wine.

As Kate sat at the table with the people that she loved the most surrounding her, the noise of their children playing upstairs and her youngest sound asleep in her arms, she realised that perhaps he night would not be as bad as she had originally thought.

They made small talk for the first hour whilst waiting on dinner, merely speaking about what had happened over the last couple of weeks, and Kate found that she could follow the conversation easily enough. The names of places had changed, but the people before her hadn't and if it wasn't for the fact that they looked seven years older she could have easily forgotten that she had lost any memories at all.

That wasn't to say that there wasn't any tension. She could feel that there was a sense of treading on egg shells, a hesitation before anyone spoke, as though they were scared of saying something wrong.

Castle seemed to notice it too but being the amazing partner that he was, any time the conversation got awkward he quickly diverted the topic onto something else until everyone was speaking freely again. She admired his skill and his quick thinking but she knew that it couldn't go on for the entire night.

Kate waited until the soup was ready and she had Castle alone by the stove, before she said something.

"Rick," she whispered thankful that he hummed in reply so as not to draw attention. "I'm going to need to say something, give them some sort of indication of where my heads at, it's no fair on any of us."

"I know," Castle agreed as he reached across to press a kiss to her cheek, "I'm sorry about earlier," he whispered in her ear.

"Me too. But I could really use your help now you've always been better with words than me and I doubt that that has really changed."

He chuckled lightly, "Okay babe but food first?" he suggested as he filled the final bowl.

Kate nodded in agreement and silently helped him to give everyone their starter including their children.

When everyone had finished eating and the children had returned upstairs (Jams having barely touched his soup because it was "too green") Castle placed his hand on Kate's knee again before addressing the elephant in the room.

"Okay everyone," he made sure that he had all of the attention in the room before he continued to speak. "Now that we have all had a drink and a bit to eat we think that it would be best to talk about what happened, where our heads are at, so that we can enjoy the rest of the party."

"So as you guys know I lost my memory after the attack and couldn't remember anything past the day that I was stuck on that bomb." Kate found herself talking without hesitation. "Since the attack I've got most of my strength back physically but my memory is still a little behind and by a little I mean that I can only remember snapshots up to the day Rick proposed. I've got a little further with faces and names but I'm still very much behind. So I want you all to know that you can ask me anything and discuss whatever you want to because right now I need all the help I can get. The doctors have said that it's best I remember on my own so that the memories are real but I'm sure little pieces of information won't hurt and might even spark something." Kate finished her rambling and immediately turned to Castle. He was smiling at her and she found herself relax as she turned back to her family.

Esposito burst out laughing.

Everyone turned to look at him in shock but he merely spluttered, "Sorry it's just you mentioned the engagement and it got me thinking about the night in the Old Haunt not long after you guys got engaged."

Ryan started laughing too as he turned to face Beckett. "Don't worry," he told her, "It isn't the attack that has stopped you from remembering that night, it's the amount of alcohol you had in your system."

A burst of laughter filled the room and Kate looked over at Castle with her eyebrows raised. He shook his head at her, a huge grin plastered on his face. "Oh yeah that was the night that you ended up dancing on a table or was it the bar?"

"Both!" Ryan and Esposito finished as they fell into fits of laughter. Kate shook her head at them. She could usually handle her drink well, certainly better than Castle, but if someone kept providing her with cocktails then…

She swiped Castle's arm. "That was all your fault!" she cried.

"You remember?" Castle asked as he squeezed her knee.

"I remember enough to know that you were the one determined to celebrate." Kate shook her head at him her soft curls falling over her face and as she pulled them back she missed her family exchange a glance of victory.

As the oven beeped to alert them that the chicken was ready, Kate did her best to dig through her mind to find any sort of recollection of that night, the events leading up to it or why she had left the FBI. Perhaps when it was less hectic and more quiet she would remember something, but from the brief snippets of their night in the Old Haunt it was clear that some things would be better to be discussed in private.

The sound of footsteps tumbling down the stairs snapped Kate out of her daze as she watched SG help her younger cousins into their seats at the kids table in the living room. James, Matthew and Thomas started demanding that they got food immediately by banging their forks off of the table. Lanie, Jenny and Kate all snapped at once that they be quiet before laughing themselves.

Once everyone had a plate before them, conversation resumed quickly with the tension from before almost non-existent. That was until Kate noticed Castle looking at the seat at the bottom of the table that was unoccupied. Kate knew exactly who should be sitting there.

"Have you heard from her?" Lanie asked, her eyes following Kate's gaze.

Kate shook her head. Under the table she dropped her own hand over Castle's in her lap and stroked across his knuckles. He turned to smile at her, as their eyes met, Kate knew that she was about to do was the right thing.

She excused herself and rose to her feet, ignoring Castle's look of confusion, and made her way to their bedroom where he knew that she had left her phone. She picked it up, found the number that she needed and dialed it using the house phone.

She lifted the phone to her ear, in time to hear the last ring, before the person picked up. She closed her eyes, took a deep breathe, praying that this wasn't going to be the minor disaster that she had feared.

"Dad?"

"Hi Alexis."


	12. Chapter 12- The small sparkle

**An I have now finished all of my exams so I hope to be updating quicker. Thank you to everyone for the continued support for this story.**

 _She lifted the phone to her ear, in time to hear the last ring, before the person picked up._

 _"Dad?"_

 _"Hi Alexis."_

"Kate?"

Kate had never heard someone say her name in such a terrified voice as though those four letter alone were deadly.

"Alexis, please don't hang up," Kate begged the young woman.

She was met by silence on the other end followed by a whispered promise. "I won't."

An awkward silence developed into thick tension as Kate realised that, now that she was finally speaking to Alexis, she had absolutely no idea what to say.

She cursed herself for not thinking this through, for not coming up with a plan or at least some idea of how to start the conversation. Just say something Kate.

"How are you?" Kate asked cringing at herself the second the words left her mouth.

Alexis faltered slightly on the other end, "I'm alright. I had a minor concussion. Still got a few scars from where I was hit on the head but I'll be fine, it's not me who-"

Kate held her breath as she heard Alexis falter again, a small whimper escape her lips. "It was my fault Kate. All my fault I should have-"

"No Alexis," Kate interrupted, "This could never be your fault. I'm the cop. I should have protected you, not the other way around. I'm the one with the gun and the training you're…" Kate trailed off as her eyes met the pictures on the bedside table. Alexis and Castle from the time Kate could remember and beside it another one with Alexis graduating from university. "Sorry it's just in my mind you're still a little girl but in reality you're a young woman now."

Kate could hear the slightest of laughs escape and for the first time since she picked up the phone she began to feel like she was actually saying the right thing.

"Listen Alexis I don't know how much you know about my condition, but I'm all right. I promise. I may have forgotten some of the best parts of my life but I promise you I don't blame you. This isn't your fault. Hell you were attacked too."

Kate paused to give Alexis a chance to reply, conscious that she was the one doing all of the talking. But the young woman stayed silent. "This really isn't the right time to be having this conversation. Over the phone, it's not right. How about we meet up some place?"

Kate held her breath as she waited for a reply.

"Yeah, I agree," Alexis' voice sounded choked, Kate realised that the reason she hadn't been replying was because she had been crying. "How about Peter's? It's a small place round the corner from the loft."

Kate thought for a moment. She could picture the sign outside, was sure she and Castle had been there for coffee once. "Yeah I think I know it. Does tomorrow suit you? Maybe around one? Everyone is currently half drunk so I'm sure your dad will be okay with me slipping out tomorrow and the kids will probably be too exhausted to put up much of a fight."

Alexis laughed a little, "Sounds like a plan."

"Good," Kate agreed just as she heard footsteps making their way towards her. She didn't need to turn around to know who it was. "I better get back to the party, I'll see you tomorrow."

"See you tomorrow Kate." Alexis replied as she hung up.

"Kate?"

Kate spun around to look at Castle.

"Who were you talking to?" he asked as he reached out to place his hands on her hips. He was pretty sure that he knew the answer.

Kate found his gaze before she answered him. "Alexis."

Castle's smile wavered slightly, he went to say something but Kate interrupted him before he could.

"It's fine Rick, we're meeting up tomorrow actually. We can talk it through then and it'll be fine."

"Kate," he pulled her into a hug and whispered in her ear, "thank you."

"For what?" she asked.

"For having such a big heart."

"Yeah well that's thanks to you so," as she pulled away she heard an uproar of laughter coming from the kitchen.

"Come on," Castle beckoned, "before Espo tells any more of our secrets."

He took her hand in his and led her out of the room. The pain in his eyes now completely vanished, the small sparkle now less dimmed.

They joined the small party, their guests knowing better than to question the couple about their exit from the room. Everyone continued to drink apart from Kate and Jim. They shared a knowing glance more than once each time she asked him if he wanted more of the non-alcoholic beer that she had purchased for the pair of them. It was relief to see that her attack hadn't caused him to relapse.

The boys in the room quickly began to talk about something or the other but Kate had no idea what it was, nor was she sure she really wanted to know, instead she became engrossed in the conversation between Lanie, Jenny and Martha. They were speaking about their own time in labour. Kate was sure that she had probably heard each of the stories before but with fresh ears she took in every piece of information desperate to see if they triggered something inside her own mind about her own experience. Experiences. Three times over.

But nothing. Not when Martha mentioned stitches or Lanie talked about how long hers was whilst Jenny, the only one able to compare various experiences, spoke about how much quicker each of hers were.

"I don't think I'll ever get over the fact that watching you seemed to trigger my own labour," Lanie commented as she looked over at her son who was busy talking to Matthew and Amelia whilst they devoured their ice cream.

Jenny shook her head, "Neither can I! Urm Jen keep going, you're doing great but I'm afraid I'll have to leave because my waters just broke!"

Both women laughed but Kate merely frowned. "Diego and Matt have the same birthday?" she asked.

Lanie shook her head, "Heavens no I was in labour well into the next day, they are one day apart."

Kate nodded as she soaked in this new information. Her gaze subconsciously found her own children. Amelia talking happily with SG who was certainly enjoying being mother hen, James who was playing with his dinosaur with Thomas and Melody who was sitting happily in her chair, waving her hands and laughing when Jim made silly noises for her.

Kate smiled despite the pang of guilt in her chest. Giving birth should be something that is never forgotten. Yet she had no recollection of it.

"Don't worry about it Katherine darling," Kate turned at Martha's words, "I'd pay good money to forget the pain of those twelve hours trust me."

Kate nodded and gave Martha her thanks. She knew the woman meant well but really the thought of seeing her children for the first time, the look on Castle's face as he held them, the feeling of joy when they looked up at her- Kate would give anything to have those memories back.

She did her best to push those thoughts to the back of her mind as they continued to talk trivially for the rest of the night and probably would have continued for the rest of the next day had SG not came down stairs to tell them that the rest of the children had fallen asleep.

After some difficulty carrying each child to their respected bedrooms or carrying them downstairs until they were ready to catch a cab, everyone was finally ready to say their goodbyes.

Kate pulled Lanie in for a hug, squeezing her tighter when she reminded her that she was only a phone-call away at all times even in the middle of a post-mortem, a sign that she really was rather tipsy. Esposito had remained more sober than Kate had expected at the start of the night, deciding to be the respectable one and make sure Diego, and Lanie for that matter, got home safely, also pulled her in towards his chest. "Get better soon Beckett and remember if you ever need help remembering everything me and Ryan will always be here for you. Trust me we know plenty of things that you would rather forget."

Kate thanked them both as they disappeared downstairs to get a cab. Ryan and Jenny left in a similar fashion with Castle disappearing to help carry Thomas downstairs.

This left Kate alone to admire the war zone that had become her kitchen. She rolled her eyes at the mess before making her way to each window to check that it was shut, then upstairs to check on James and Amelia. It had become a routine of hers ever since she got her own place, check the doors the windows and on nights after some tough cases the closets. Now that she could walk she found herself doing it without giving it a thought.

After checking her children's windows and giving them a kiss goodnight she checked the damage of the rest of the rooms. Their children had been remarkably tidy with only a handful of toys lying around. It was obvious from the fort in the Quiet Room that this was where all of the fun had taken place. Kate chuckled lightly as she checked the window in that room before making her way back downstairs just in time to hear Melody wake up.

She rushed to her daughter's cot in the office, hushing her quietly before picking her up and carrying her through to the kitchen to be fed. The small distance of her tour of the house had left her legs numb with fatigue and, as she collapsed gracefully as ever into a chair, whilst holding her youngest daughter to her chest, she realised that her plan for tomorrow might not be as easy to carry out as she had thought.

Peter's may only be a couple of blocks away but she hadn't left the house yet without the chair. Her physiotherapist had assured her that she had progressed remarkably quickly considering the time she had spent in the coma. Castle had informed him that he was sure she had spent enough time before that making sure that she was at her peak of fitness that it would take more than a month of no movement to stop Kate from walking.

Still, when they were alone he expressed his desire for her to be cautious and whilst she understood his concern she had believed she would be fine, but now? Now she was ready to sleep for a month. "Too soon." She whispered to her daughter. It was then, upon speaking the words that her husband did so often, that she noticed his absence had been well over the time expected. She looked over to the clock. He left just over half an hour ago. Where the hell was he?

A familiar tightening in her chest let her know that yes her gut did feel like something was wrong. She called out for him, perhaps she had missed him coming in? But no he definitely wasn't in the loft.

Maybe it was the panic or the whole over tired thing but Kate felt her head start to spin slightly. Conscious of the young child in her arms she slowly rose to her feet and placed the baby in her chair at the top of the table. Melody didn't like the fact that her mother had left her or the sudden absence of her milk, but Kate could barely hear her cries as her heart rate rocketed and the floor started to spin more violently.

The front door opened just in time for her to see the look of concern in Castle's face before the whole world went black

Only it didn't stay dark for very long. No, before she knew it a hazy image appeared, growing in clarity until she could see herself staring right back at her. It was her reflection in a mirror she realised, only she didn't recognise the bathroom. A shadow moved behind her. She turned, gun in hand, to come face to face with Castle. Words of shock and rejoice left her lips but she felt disjointed from the situation and could only hear them like she was underwater. Instead she merely experienced the feeling of joy override the fear in her chest as she pulled Castle in for a passionate kiss.

When she opened her eyes the setting had changed. Instead she was running. Running like her life depended on it. Shouting something which she assumed was stop. She turned a corner and came face to face with a hostage situation. It ended badly, with a bullet to her chest. Then the image changed.

This time she was with Castle again only he looked panicked. There was what she recognised as tape across his inside elbow like the type used after blood had been taken. She felt scared, terrified, despite not knowing why. All she knew was that at this moment all those years ago she had feared for his life. Just as her emotionally drained self did in the present day.

Kate heard rather than felt her tears. Then she realised that they weren't her own but were rather that of her child's. She couldn't let her child cry. Her eyes snapped open only to be met with those of her husband, looking as terrified as he had in her dream.

"Rick?" Kate asked as she slowly pushed herself to her feet despite his protest that she stay put. "What's going on?"

He could tell from the distant look in her eyes, from the way that she seemed not to see him, but yet was able to comfort their youngest child that Kate wasn't fully with him yet. "You collapsed," he explained as he did his best to get her to sit down but she refused to do so until she had Melody back in her arms.

"Sorry, I'm fine now," Kate half-heartedly tried to reassure him, her mind still not fully back in the present, but her instinct to comfort her daughter allowing her to feed the baby until she fell back asleep.

The room fell into silence. Kate was slowly becoming more alert but not quick enough to notice the tension in her partner, or the way his eyes swam with tears or how his head was bowed towards the floor, until he broke.

"Kate what happened? When I came in and found you on the kitchen floor I thought that… oh God I thought that-" Castle was unable to finish his confession. He gave into the sobs that had been threatening to tear him apart since he had managed to navigate the stairs only to come face to face with his worst nightmare. It was one that had actually happened to an extent and that he had sworn would never happen again.

He felt Kate's hand on his shoulder and breathed in deeply, the smell of cherries filling his nose as he pulled her closer to his chest trapping Melody between them.

"I'm all right Rick. I just pushed too much, doing all of my checks before going to bed. I'm tired that's all. It's been a busy couple of days and my body was finally telling me to stop. It's alright I'm fine now." The site of her husband so upset was enough to snap Kate back to the present. She had no idea what had triggered his breakdown but she sure as hell was going to help him through it.

Castle was shaking his head, which was now no longer buried in her hair, but rather focused on the floor just past the kitchen.

Kate followed his gaze, "Rick what are you looking at?" she asked completely confused to his fixation of a random place on the floor.

He shook his head again and pulled her even closer. "It's not the right time to-" he gasped for breath still fighting against his sobs, "it's not the time to bring it up. Not at one o'clock in the morning after you just…" he trailed off.

Reaching up he curled his palm around his wife's head cradling her ear. She kissed it and did her best to give him a reassuring smile.

"I'll only turn it over in my head all night babe trust me." She reached out and took his other hand in her own, "You can tell me."

"We were taking down Lockstat, the details don't matter right now, believe me this is a part of our history that we have both been trying to forget. You've done a better job though. Too soon I know," he added when she gave him a look. "But we had finally got him. We arrested him and it was all fine but Caleb Brown, a man who worked for him, who we thought to be dead, who we thought we had turned on our side shortly before that, proved to be neither of those things. He shot us. Here in our home and we lay dying on the floor." Castle's speech was slightly slurred from the alcohol, his words tumbling together but Kate understood.

"Rick," Kate breathed as she leaned until their foreheads kissed.

"I got shot in the chest," as he spoke he raised his hand to stroke a familiar scar. "You got shot in the shoulder and the abdomen," his hand now traced where he knew her scars were. "You were pregnant with Amelia at the time but neither of us knew."

"But we made it," Kate whispered to him, "We made it Babe we all did."

Castle smiled, "I know it's just when I saw you-"

Kate shook her head, silencing him, "I get it."

Both partners sat for a couple of minutes, Kate trying to process this new information, Castle reassuring himself that they were both safe with one hand in hers and the other cradling his youngest child. It must have been something that they developed through time, Kate decided, this ability to communicate with the other, to comfort and to love, without words.

"Come on," she finally spoke when she saw him yawn, "We're both exhausted and Melody is too."

They looked at their baby asleep in her mother's arms with a strong fistful of her hair in one hand and her father's shirt in the other.

They laughed lightly as they rose to their feet and made their way to their bedroom, leaving that part of their past behind them for what Castle hoped was for good. There were parts of their history that he wished to forget and now that Kate had forgotten what had been many months of fear leading up to hours of sheer panic; he wasn't in any rush for her to remember and neither was she.

Some memories were better off misted.


	13. Chapter 13- The horrific blessing

**AN As some of you know my laptop broke last week and I was unable to finish this chapter until it got fixed but here we are. As always reviews are welcome and thank you for the continued support of this story.**

With the last of their children in bed Castle and Beckett collapsed into their own. Immediately they found the other and easily fell into their usual position with Kate's head resting on Castle's chest. They had found that, after years of practice, near death experiences could often be put to rest when they turned off the light to sleep. At times, of course, the darkness only brought their nightmares to the surface but tonight Castle felt comfort with his wife in his arms just as she did with the sound of his heartbeat. Still, neither were ready to sleep.

"Kate?" Castle asked as he tightened his hold of his wife, "What happened during desert?" He knew that she was still wired and decided to fill the silence with light conversation. The moment during the party, when he was watching her speak to her friends out the corner of his eye whilst he listened intently to Ryan's story, was the first discussion point that came to mind.

Kate frowned, then realising that her husband couldn't see her face mumbled, "I don't know what you mean."

"You had that frown, you know the cute one," Castle explained. To anyone else that description wouldn't help but he knew that his wife was already on the same wave length as him even if she didn't want to admit it.

Kate rolled her eyes. She knew the exact moment that he was referring to but after the traumatic event in the kitchen merely minutes before, she wasn't sure if she could take much more stress. Then again, with Castle stroking soft circles into her arm, perhaps now was as good a time as any to bring it up. "Lanie and Jenny were talking about labour." She admitted, "And it got me thinking about the fact that I can't remember any of our children being born."

Castle brought his hand up to run through her hair, "Kate that will be the first thing on our list okay? When I finish this course and you get all of your strength back, we'll do our best to get those memories restored. I'd happily talk about you crushing my hand three times all night but-"

"The memories might be fake I know. It's just the doctor said that my memories would most likely come back in order and for the most part they have. I don't want to be waiting months, years even, to remember all of those first moments." Kate did her best to keep the panic out of her voice but she found that now she had started talking more of her worries were surfacing. "Or I might never remember."

"Kate you can't say that to yourself. Memories are unpredictable, trust me. I've forgotten stuff too and whilst it wasn't as lengthy as yours I remembered most of it eventually. Those memories didn't come back in perfect order and yours might not either. The psychiatrist was speaking generally and you are no normal person Kate Beckett. If anyone is going to go against the norm it is you."

Kate chuckled not really knowing why. "Thanks for always saying the right thing." She told him.

This time he laughed, "I wouldn't say always but I am often right." He joked, earning himself a slap on the chest from his wife.

"I almost forgot," Kate exclaimed a little too loudly. "Earlier when I collapsed I remembered something well somethings."

Castle felt suddenly a lot more awake. "Right?" he asked.

"I was in a bathroom and you appeared behind me but I wasn't expecting you?" She knew that the details she had given him would probably do nothing to help him remember what to him was probably just another regular day years ago.

Yet Castle surprised her as he nodded saying, "Ah yes that was when I flew out to DC to surprise you. That weekend didn't really go to plan."

"I guessed that after I got shot," Kate rose her hand to stroke the unexplained scar at her side. The bullet must have been a graze as it was different from the others.

Castle however frowned, "No you never got shot, it was me who-"

"Nearly died I know. Another memory I had was us sitting at a table and you had just had blood taken but I was so scared." Kate interrupted him the excitement about discovering and remembering more of her past evident in her voice but her hand had stilled against her side. She hadn't got shot?

"It was a poison that I breathed in whilst in a car with a suspect in your case." Castle explained.

Kate frowned, "But I worked for the FBI so my case would have been-"

"Confidential yup. " Castle laughed, knowing what was coming.

"You idiot." Kate snapped, ready to give him another playful slap.

"I know, I know but I nearly died so that was enough punishment before you hit me again."

Kate dropped her hand back to his chest instead of hitting him. "Go on then what's the story there I can practically feel you buzzing with excitement or is that the alcohol?"

"Both," Castle joked, "So I was walking home to you when a suspect pushed me into a car at gunpoint. He starts babbling nonsense and next thing I know he's passed out and the car is wrapped around a bus stop. Turned out the car had poison in the air conditioning, it had killed him and gave me a lethal dose. Luckily enough you found the guy behind it all and we got the antidote in time."

Kate swallowed. There were parts of his story that made sense to her. She could almost remember pulling up in her car with Rachel MacCord, spotting the smashed vehicle before her. Noticing her fiancé standing at the scene of the crime. But the clearest memory was the fear. She was a cop, as far as she knew still was, she could fight fair game with her hands and had an accurate shot in a gun fight, but in medicine? She had no way of protecting him, of healing him. She never had liked feeling hopeless.

"I'm right here Kate," Castle must have noticed her tense, "That was years ago remember, you got the guy."

Kate nodded, "I know being stupid," she mumbled against him, doing her best to believe it herself.

"Never stupid Beckett," Castle corrected her, smiling down at her when she connected their lips.

As they pulled apart Castle's hand fell to Kate's side, the scar that she knew was there. "But wait I didn't get shot whilst you were in DC?" she asked

Kate pushed herself up so that she could balance on her side and have a better view of her husband.

Castle shook his head. "Can you describe the scene for me?"

Kate nodded. She closed her eyes so that she could picture it better. "I was chasing a suspect and trying to get them to stop but when I turned a corner the man had a gun to a woman's head. She looked scared and I tried to talk him down, gave him my gun but I put a device on it that created a small blast as a distraction. It didn't work. The woman wasn't a hostage she was working with him and she shot me in the chest." Kate looked down at her torso trying to picture the many scars that she knew her nightwear hid. Before, when she was getting dressed, she had taken time to examine each one, try to force some sort of memory. But the only two she could remember was the one between her breasts and the one at her side. Both from the funeral, both from the first time her, now husband said he loved her. The one across her shoulder and another at her lower abdomen were a mystery until earlier on when he explained how they had almost died on their kitchen floor. "But where did I get this then?" her hand covered his at the jagged scare at her side.

"We'll get to that in a minute but Kate think, did you feel yourself get shot? Can you remember where it hit? How it felt?"

Kate shook her head, "No. No I can't remember what happened directly after that it just changed and we were in that room."

"Kate I think I know what you remembered. When I surprised you in that bathroom and we made up for all of our time apart," So that was why he remembered that moment so well Kate thought, "you later explained that you had failed a training exercise for the first time. It was a hostage situation gone wrong and you got fake shot in the chest. Think hard for me now Kate. What happened after you fell back? You could probably see the sky. You would have been annoyed at yourself for failing. You would probably have let a groan escape in your frustration. "

Kate laughed as she nodded, "You know me too well. I did groan. It was my stupid mistake. Rachel came round the corner and told me that I had failed."

"See I'm right again." Kate hit him in the chest one last time before snuggling back down to rest there.

She lifted up her top to expose her still unexplained scar. "So how did I get this then?" she asked, "Before you say it I know, I know, fake memories and all that but I'm not too bothered about fully remembering another shooting so please just explain it."

His hand found hers and his thumb stroked over the rough skin. "You went out on your own to fight Lockstat and you got grazed by a bullet. Stitched it up yourself with no more than a needle and thread, vodka for a pain killer and steriliser. You really are a badass sometimes."

They both laughed. Kate did her best to remember what must have been a very painful experience and a very terrifying one if Castle wasn't with her during it, but nothing came to mind. After her first shooting she would have given anything to forget the pain of the following months, it was with that thought in mind that she decided to push no further tonight.

"Wait I just realised, the memory you remembered about the fake shooting happened before our reunion but you remembered it after. Five seconds to be fair but still after. See told you memories could return in the wrong order. I was right three times in a row, at two in the morning and just a little bit tipsy. You're married to a genius Kate Beckett."

Kate rolled her eyes not caring that he couldn't see her and merely rose her hand to scratch soothingly at his chest.

Castle yawned again, "Yeah a very tired genius. Come on babe time for sleep." She reached across and turned off the lamp.

"Goodnight Castle."

"Night Kate."

Kate stood outside the door to Peter's and took one last steadying breath before making her way inside. It had taken more persuasion than she had anticipated for Amelia to allow her to leave the house alone. The fear that her daughter showed in her eyes as she waved goodbye, promising to have the house tidy for when she came back, was heart-breaking.

Kate forced her guilt down as she noticed a woman with a red bob of hair sitting with her back to the door. Kate smiled at a waiter who looked to offer her help and told him she was meeting someone. He smiled at her in return and Kate felt his eyes scan her body. He must have been late forties at least, probably one of the owners of the place from the way he carried himself- like he had money. He wasn't all that bad looking either. Kate couldn't help but feel a little uncomfortable that he would look at a woman of her age but then she realised, as she came within a meter of Alexis's table, that the man was in fact around the same age she was.

Alexis must have felt someone staring for she turned around slowly. When she met Kate's gaze she sprung to her feet. Then froze, awkwardly.

Kate offered her a gentle smile and pulled the young woman slowly into a hug.

Alexis looked even older than the picture on Castle's desk. Her red hair hung lifelessly to just below her chin. What had once been bright blue eyes to match her father's were now dull and rimmed with dark shadows that were barely covered by the light makeup. She had obviously applied it in the hope of fooling Kate into thinking that she was copping, that she had slept in the last month, but Kate knew from a signal glance that neither were true.

Alexis suggested that Kate sit, as the older woman did so she let out a gentle sigh of relief. The walk hadn't been that far but she was still weak.

The atmosphere between the two women was tense. Small talk seemed stupid and careless when they had so many important matters to discuss but those matters seemed too big to challenge at the start of their lunch.

Luckily a waitress appeared to ask them for their order before Kate could say something stupid like how are you.

She bowed her head to check the menu but was surprised when Alexis spoke in a small voice "Could we have our usual please Camille."

Kate looked over at the woman in shock but Alexis merely smiled and shook her head, a look that said trust me.

Kate smiled in return and sat back in her seat doing her best to remember the young waitress in the hope that she could recall how the seemingly stranger knew her order by memory. She then let her gaze fall on Alexis and looking at the hopelessness that she found there she felt the pull to start any sort of conversation become unbearable but just as she opened her mouth to speak Alexis blurted out. "I lied."

Kate frowned at her in reply, knowing better than to speak when Alexis showed the same concentrating look her father did when he didn't know what to say next.

"I need you to understand why I did this. I need you to understand why I kept my distance until now, why my dad knows nothing about what I'm going to tell you next." Alexis no longer made eye contact with Kate, instead she became fixated on her hands that were clasped on the table in front of her.

Kate nodded none the less, "It's alright Alexis take your time."

"I didn't just get a concussion. " Alexis' hand subconsciously rose to her forehead. Now that she had drawn attention to the spot just below her hairline Kate noticed a criss-cross of lines maybe five or six no more than two centimetres long. "I got kicked pretty hard in the stomach time and time again and I" her hand now found her lower torso, "I had a miscarriage. I lost a baby that I didn't even know I was carrying."

"Oh Alexis," Kate reached out to take the hand still resting on the table into her own, "I'm so sorry."

Alexis shook her head trying to clear the tears from her eyes. "It's not your fault. That's not why I'm telling you this. It's so that you can understand why I did what I did."

Kate shook her head and tightened her grip on the young woman's hand, "Alexis let's leave that for a second yeah? Who knows about this? Your Dad?"

Alexis shook her head. No. Well she had already mentioned that Castle knew nothing about what Kate was about to hear, still it came as a shock that she would keep him in the dark about something as big as this.

"The father?" Kate tried, the knot in her stomach tightening as she felt Alexis' hand begin to shake.

Again she shook her head no.

A few seconds past that felt like minutes before a stoic expression took over Alexis' face as she said, "Well that's not entirely true there's a chance he might know since it was him that made me lose it."

Kate froze.

"That's what I've been trying to tell you Kate. I lied when I said I didn't know who did this to me. I did know, I do know. It was David. My partner."

Kate felt her heart plummet inside her chest, the hair on the back of her neck stood up, a small gasp escaped her lips.

"Please understand I couldn't tell dad he would only kill him. I couldn't tell the police because… because oh god I still love him. I still love him so much even after all he has done to me, to you. He deserves to pay the price for it but instead I let him get away. He could be half way across the world setting up a company under a new name for all I know. Whilst you've forgot the best part of a decade of your life and I'm a mess."

Kate felt the familiar prickle of her own tears to match the ones rolling down Alexis' cheeks. She had thought that what she was going through was hell but what the girl who she was starting to see as family, could tell that know they truly were, had been through was unimaginable. She fought back the urge to apologise again and instead asked, "Why are you telling me this now? You know I'm a cop and I would want to find him?

"When it happened I didn't want to tell anyone because I was shocked and embarrassed. David was my partner I let him into our lives I told him where we were going to be. I helped him plan it. I knew that when you came out of your operation you would tell the police. Hell you would want to have an active part in taking him down, so I told them that the attacker got me from behind and that I didn't see his face. Later when they said you were in a coma, I … oh please don't hate me but a part of me was relieved that I could keep my story spinning longer but when you didn't wake up and I realised how serious it was I knew I would have to tell the truth. Yet, when I went to call Ryan, I realised that I couldn't do it. My dad he was a mess. He kept the family together sure but that night, as I went to hit the dial button, he called me. He was sobbing Kate, I haven't seen him in that mess in a long time and it killed me. I knew that if I told him the truth he would just jump further down the rabbit hole and chase David down probably getting himself hurt in the process. I couldn't let that happen, not when he had the kids to look after. Then there was the selfish part of me that realised that I didn't want him to think less of me for lying. He would have hated me for it Kate, hell he still might. It was a week after that night that you woke up. I had taken the kids out when I got the message and I was so relieved and terrified. That I panicked. I made my excuse and left, to wait the rest of the night for a phone call from him that never came. Then I got the text about you forgetting everything and I thought it was such a horrific blessing and if that alone doesn't make me a monster, no matter everything else that I have just said, then I don't know what does."

Kate could do nothing but stare in shock. Never in her memory could she remember Alexis' opening up to her in any way similar to this. It was like a drain had been burst and everything that she had held inside had come pouring out. She felt her own tears roll down her cheeks. "You're not a monster Alexis just human." She promised.

"You don't hate me?"

The question sent Kate's mind spiralling again. How did she feel under all of the shock? Sorrow for Alexis sure. Anger maybe somewhere deep down at the fact that yes this man was now going to be so much harder to catch. There was even part of her relieved that she was now no longer in the dark and could finally help her. But hatred? She shook her head no. "How could I? I care about you more than you realise." A hint of a smile reached Alexis' lips. Kate took that as encouragement to say what was the most forefront of all of her thoughts, "But we do have to tell your dad, at least about the fact that it was David."

Alexis nodded, "and the baby too, he deserves to know everything. Plus, it will help me deal with it better if he does, if I have less secrets, or at least that's what Dr Vincent tells me."

They fell into silence once more. Any platitudes that Kate could have made she realised were fruitless, the young girl didn't need to hear them now. From what she could gather she was well into dealing with her loss of the baby but hadn't scratched the surface of the issue with David. She knew it would come and in that moment she swore that she would help Alexis get through it. Perhaps together they could both find their way back to normality. With the help of their family of course.


	14. Chapter 14- The honest truth

**An Thank you to everyone who is still reading this fic after all of this time. Your reviews, follows and favorites have inspired me to get over my writer's block that seems to constantly keep coming back.**

 ** _Hi, lunch went alright I'm bringing Alexis with me back to the loft. We need to talk. Find a way to entertain the kids?_**

Castle read the text from Kate three times before he reacted.

First time: The word choice of alright? Connotations of not terrible; that meant Alexis didn't walk away, but not brilliant; so something was wrong.

Second time: She was bringing Alexis home to talk about something. So they had made peace or rather Alexis was ready to let them back into her life. That was good. But the need to talk? Not so much.

Third time: Entertain the kids. Great.

"Dad! James took Mulan and won't give her back!" The familiar shout of complaint from his daughter had him locking his phone and placing it on the counter.

He immediately spun to face the scene of world war three in his living room.

With Melody due to wake up from her nap soon he had hoped that James and Amelia would remain as quiet as possible to let her sleep and give him some peace to go over what he had learned about memory restoring. He hadn't been learning for long but he found that his past with finding his own lost memories and the ways Doctor Burke had helped him were certainly allowing him to learn much quicker. He was confident that within a week he would be helping Kate more formally to get her memory back. But he felt that another curve ball was just around the corner. Literally.

"Right you two," He made his way from the kitchen to the couch and bent down until he was at the height of his children. "James what did we say about taking things without asking?"

"Its stealing and Mummy can get me put in jail for it." James replied without missing a beat.

Castle frowned. He had never said that to his three year old.

"James who told you that?"

James looked to his sister.

Castle sighed. He really couldn't take much more stress right now.

"Amelia we shall talk about this later," he promised his daughter, doing his best to remain firm despite the way she looked up at him so innocently, so much like her mother. "James you won't get put in jail but you do need to apologise to your sister okay. And ask next time."

"Sorry," James replied with the ignorance of a three year old as he handed Amelia back her doll.

"Now that that's sorted, how about we build a fort in time for mummy coming home?" Castle suggested.

Both children nodded enthusiastically and they quickly got to work.

"You ready?" Kate asked as turned to face Alexis. They had walked home from Peter's in silence. Kate told Alexis that she had to walk slowly for she still wasn't back to her full strength but the pace was actually for another reason. She wanted to give the young woman walking beside her a chance to rehearse what she was going to say to her dad. She herself was going over some key phrases in her head for how she would help the girl despite knowing that it was probably pointless. Things like these never went to plan.

Alexis gave her a weak smile and nodded, before smiling to the doorman and leading Kate inside.

They stopped when they reached the final door separating them from the confession that Alexis was about to make. Kate felt the woman tense and couldn't help but reach out to take her hand. "You're doing the right thing," she assured her as she gave her hand a squeeze before letting go to knock on the door.

She didn't get a chance to think about how weird it was knocking on the door to her own house for Castle opened it immediately.

There was a moment of awkward tension that allowed Kate to look behind him to see James and Amelia acting and talking like pirates. She couldn't help but laugh a little. Then she saw the look in her husband's eyes and quickly stopped.

"Alexis," Castle breathed as he pulled his oldest daughter into a hug.

"Mummy!" Kate had been too busy watching the reunion to notice that James and Amelia were now at her feet.

"Hello you two," she greeted as she ruffled James' hair. "Did you miss me?"

They both nodded enthusiastically.

"I missed you too," she promised, then she noticed that they were looking eagerly towards their sister and quickly diverted their attention before they ambushed her. "But the adults need to talk for a bit okay? So how about you two go and find some treasure?"

They seemed to accept the suggestion for they quickly ran off into the mountain of cushions and sheets that had become their pirate ship.

Kate wasn't sure who had suggested that they move to the office but she watched as Alexis made her way through the "ship". Castle placed a hand on Kate's lower back to get her attention and she could feel the way he was almost shaking with worry. "I'll get the coffee." He whispered as he pressed a kiss into her hair. "Melody is asleep, the other two should be okay for a bit and we can keep watch from the office."

Kate nodded and gave his free hand a squeeze of reassurance, just as she had his daughter's, before she followed in her footsteps.

They reached the office and Alexis sat down on the couch, Kate beside her whilst they waited on Castle.

He soon entered with coffee balanced between his two hands. Kate immediately rose to help him. They smiled at each other as she handed a mug to Alexis before taking her own and sitting back down. Castle pulled his chair from behind his desk to sitting in front of it so that he would have a clear view of the kids.

"How are they doing?" Alexis asked as she gestured to the living room.

"Good," Castle began looking through the waves of sheets to Amelia who was spinning some tale to explain their new game whilst James hung onto every word. From where he sat he could also clearly see Melody thankfully still asleep. "Amelia clearly follows in the family footsteps she's getting brighter by the day, said penultimate this morning. James, well you know what he's like, when Kate left he decided to steal Amelia's doll. Its Mulan by the way. She found your old DVD's and fell in love with the story. Must have asked Gram for the doll. Melody is sleeping through the night now and is ever the mummy's girl as usual it took me ages to get her to sleep."

Castle finally stopped talking and found Alexis' gaze again, "Sorry I'm rambling it's just I'm worried Pumpkin. Please tell me what's going on?"

The use of the nickname brought a smile to Kate's face. She had always found it, not only refreshing, but rather attractive when she saw Castle act as a father. Now that she got to see it every day with her own children she thought she would get used to it. Yet, hearing him refer to his now adult daughter in the same way that he had when she was a child was a beautiful reminder that he always would be a brilliant dad.

Alexis must have been thinking something similar as she found the courage to speak. "Dad there's no easy way of saying this. I've turned it round and round in my head trying to come up with the best way of explaining what I have done, but I can't find it. So I'm just going to tell you the honest truth." Alexis paused, closed her eyes, and then spoke again. "I'm sorry Dad I've been lying to you all this time. I saw who attacked me and Kate that night. It was David."

The entire room seemed to freeze as both women waited for Castle's reaction. Truth be told Kate wasn't sure what she expected from him. She had seen him hurt by lies before but that was because of her not his daughter. Still, she knew how she had felt knowing her mother's killer was still out there, she knew how she felt even now when she had no idea how the case got solved, so she knew exactly what her husband must be feeling. Hell she felt the anger too when she heard her children talk about events she had no recollection of, or when she looked at her wedding ring and had no idea of the story behind it getting there. What she didn't know was how he would show it.

She remained tense as she watched Castle slowly rise from his chair and turn his back to them. Kate held her breath as she watched him turn and walk to the bookcase where he gripped the edge of a shelf tightly.

"Why didn't you tell me?" he asked after half a minute of silence.

"Please forgive me I was such a coward I couldn't face seeing the man that I loved going to jail. I know it sounds pathetic now but at the time I really thought he was the one." Alexis trailed off. Kate forced her gaze from Castle to turn to face her instead. She was surprised to see that the frail young woman, who had explained everything to Kate before bursting into tears, had been replaced by a confident stone faced stranger. Her mask was very firmly in place and Kate wondered just what she had forgotten that would explain where Alexis had learnt it from.

"Worse still I didn't want to see the look on your face when you found out how stupid I had been. I thought I would wait until Kate came round from her surgery, then she could tell you but when she never did I... I'm sorry Kate's been great and she says that she understands, but Dad the mess you were in trying to find the faceless man I wouldn't blame you for hating me." Alexis bowed her head clearly waiting on the statue that had become her dad to crack maybe even tell her to get out of the house.

Instead he asked, "Why are you telling us this now?" his voice still muffled by the bookcase that he was supposedly speaking to.

Kate knew the answer, she had asked the same question, but still she felt her heart plummet as she waited for the response. "Because I can't stand lying anymore. I can't stand being away from my family when I need them the most. It's been awful ever since that night. When I lost everything. You've both had it hard too, but Kate's memory wasn't the only thing lost that night. Dad I was pregnant. I didn't know, but by the time I did, I had taken one kick too many."

Castle felt his stomach flip and lifted his closed fist to his mouth as though he were going to be sick. Kate immediately rose to her feet to try to get to his aid but by the time she had reached him it had clearly passed for he reached for her hand immediately. "Alexis I'm so sorry." He told his daughter as he looked at her for the first time since her confession.

Kate pressed her body into his side in comfort as she noticed the tears he was fighting back. She knew it would be difficult for him to hear. He should be preparing for his first grandchild with his wife happily by his side not trying to heal their fractured family.

"I'm sorry too Dad please can you forgive me?" Alexis asked, with the hint of hope in her voice now no longer hidden.

Kate felt Castle's fingers twitch in her hand in the way that he did when he was thinking of a response. He had explained it to her once, how when he was younger he used to write all of his feelings down to try to find what his mind was really thinking and that when he didn't have a pen or a keyboard in front of him he subconsciously started to type. He had acted embarrassed but Kate found that it was cute. It was when she was listening to his response that she realised that he had told her about it after she got back from DC. She made a mental note to tell him later.

"I'm not going to lie and say that I'm not angry or disappointed but I can tell you that I understand. Kate and I know a lot about lying to protect the people we love and whilst that is usually to keep them safe and not help them escape after doing something terrible, I get it. But we do have to catch the son of a bitch you realise that right? I know you loved him but he has to pay for what he has done."

Alexis nodded, "I've been getting help and I'm working on it but I really need us to find him. Not only to pay but to explain how he could do this to me, to us. How we could be so happy and talking about a future one day just for him to throw it all away the next."

"You'll get your truth Alexis." Kate promised speaking for the first time. "Vincit omnia veritas."

Castle held his breath thinking Kate had remembered something about her own vengeance but then she spoke again.

"My mum used to say that, it means truth concurs all."

A sudden cry from a baby followed by a chorus of "MUM!" let them know that Melody was awake.

"I'll get her," Kate offered as she gave Castle a kiss on the cheek before throwing a knowing glance at Alexis and leaving the room.

As she made her way to the cot James and Amelia came barrelling into her legs almost sending her flying.

"Woh slow down you two," she warned as she picked up her youngest crying child. "What's going on?"

Amelia looked up at her with a face that said I know more than my own good. "Is Alexis alright?"

"Yes," Kate replied immediately, "Of course she is. Why would think otherwise?"

"Cause you were having an adult conversation," Kate smiled at the way Amelia tried to pronounce the word as continued to rock Melody.

"Yes well its nothing to worry about," Kate smiled reassuringly at the two children who had went through enough upheaval and stress for an adult to handle never mind a child. They were all well aware that Amelia could work out enough to know that things weren't right and that James could sense it too but luckily they were young enough not to understand the seriousness of what was really going on.

Before Kate could say anything else Alexis and Castle walked into the room and just as she hoped they would, her children immediately forgot about everything and ran to greet their big sister.

By the time Kate had got Melody to stop crying and then untangled her hair from the baby's tight fist a movie night had been decided.

A few hours later Kate looked over at Alexis sitting on the opposite couch with Melody asleep in her arms, James asleep with his head in her lap and Amelia cuddled in beside her, forcing her eyes to stay open so that she could see the end of the film despite having watched it over ten times.

Alexis must have felt her watching for she turned and met Kate's gaze. She smiled in a mutual understanding. The first big challenge that Alexis would have to face was now over and Kate hoped that the rest, whilst it would be difficult, was going to be so much easier knowing that her family was at her side through it. Even if that only meant through hugs on the sofa after a hard day.


	15. Chapter 15- The darker past

**An I apologize for how long this took to update. I was just ready to upload when the hard-drive on my laptop broke and I lost everything. I can only promise that it is my intention never to abandon this story as long as there are still people wanting to read it.**

Kate continued to take deep, slow breaths as she listened to her husband's voice. She was lying on the sofa in his office with her head against the arm and her feet in his lap. They didn't want it to seem like he was interrogating her but also didn't want to seem like a psychiatrist. Instead they had settled for this. Due to the fact that it was early in the morning they wouldn't be interrupted. It was perfect.

He had her under his complete control in minutes, and as she let go and allowed the person she trusted the most to send her mind back to the days around the time of her last memory, she felt a great send of pride in him. He had worked so hard to learn how to help her and she loved him all the more for it.

He gave her a number of commands to help her to pinpoint a day, a memory and she found one very quickly.

She was standing with Castle outside in the street somewhere surrounded by cops. It was crime scene she realized but she wasn't in control and there was no body. At first she thought she was getting mixed up from the time he got held hostage at that bank she soon realized that that wasn't the case.

She started to describe the scene out loud to him upon his command and found that the more she described the more she could see. Soon enough he seemed to realize where she was.

"Kate we are outside a dentist. It got held hostage by a fan of mine and I'm about to go in to save the day." Castle was sure that had Kate not been in the trance like state he had put her in, she would probably have rolled her eyes at him. So he pressed on, "Can you see the guy in charge?"

"Yeah he's coming towards us now, just explaining how this is going to work. I'm helping you put on your vest. God I'm scared. Castle," Kate's voice faltered.

"I'm right here I make it out okay." Castle fought against the urge to snap her out of the memory and to save her from worrying but this one ended well, others didn't. If he stopped now they would never uncover the darker past that she deserved to know about.

"Okay you're going into the building. I want to run after you, insist I go in too, but I know I can't. Instead I watch you go. "

Castle gave her a minute to focus and collect her thoughts. He knew all about letting her go and holding back from running after her. Hell, she knew all about it now too, or at least she was starting to learn how that felt again.

"What's happening now Kate?"

She took a few seconds to reply. She shook her head, seemingly struggling with something."Its changing like it usually does. I'm waiting outside beside a car and I'm just waiting on hearing something from the guy and," she flinched in shock," a gunshot. Castle!"

"Stay calm Kate I'm right here." He reached out and took her hand. Strictly speaking this sort of action wasn't advised but he knew he could calm her down.

"I'm running inside with a squad team. I can see you on the floor on top of a broken coffee table. I drop to your side and clasp your face in my hands. You don't react." She jumped again."Dammit Castle."

Castle laughed despite himself. He felt Kate laughing too and realized he had lost the connection they had built. It didn't matter. He hadn't expected to be this successful and by the look on her face she hadn't either.

She sat up and moved until she was sitting at his side. A dull ache in her head felt like nothing compared to the joy of knowing that this was actually going to work. Plus it was only stress induced and she knew it would go away soon. For now, she tightened her grip on her husband's hand and dropped her head onto his shoulder.

"Castle you said cheeseburgers. That was Amelia's code word the other night. What have you been telling our kids?" Kate lifted her head up slowly as she spoke and fixed him was the look that only they shared.

"Only the good stuff," Castle reassured her before pulling her in for a kiss.

Kate let out a small squeal of surprise as he pulled her onto his lap, the noise masking the sound of the door opening.

"Ewwww!"

Both parents broke apart to find their son standing in front of them with his hands covering his eyes. He was wearing his elephant slippers and his hair was disheveled in the exact same way Castle's got when he had just woken up. Kate laughed at the sight and moved to a more respectable distance for their son to see.

"What are you doing awake?" Castle asked.

"I'm hungry!" James cried as he ran out of the room.

They fell into laughter again.

By the time they had stopped laughing Melody was awake. Kate decided to help her and sent Castle off to entertain their son. She picked her daughter up in her arms and smiled when Melody brightened immediately. She dropped her toy elephant back into the crib and took a fistful of Kate's hair instead.

Kate made her way into the kitchen and felt even lighter as she took in the sight before her. Castle was mixing up pancake batter and Amelia was standing on a chair in order to help him. James, who had never been one for helping to cook, was looking for something in a cupboard under the sink. In Kate's memory it was full of washing up liquids but obviously this had changed as he took out a tin in triumph.

He ran to the table and dumped it down with a clatter that made Melody jump. James looked over at them.

"Mum, Melody, come and help me color in?" He asked. The look of excitement in his eyes was too powerful to resist.

Kate sat down across from him and helped Melody sit on the table. Her daughter tried to eat the crayons more than color with them but never the less James soon had a pretty colorful piece of paper.

Kate looked over to Castle just as she heard the first sizzle of a pancake being made.

"Flip it Daddy flip it!" Amelia encouraged as she watched in wonder as her dad tossed the pancake in the air in order to flip it to the other side.

Amelia clapped and cheered and James immediately ran over to join in the fun, climbing up on the seat next to his sister and screaming, "again, again."

Castle obliged, pretending not to notice Kate's gaze and not bothering not to look smug.

Fine then, Kate thought, two can play at that game.

"How about mommy has a turn?" She suggested as she placed Melody in her chair and turned it so she could watch as well.

Soon a full blown pancake flipping competition had begun with James and Amelia as referees.

James decided that Castle was the winner after his pancake got stuck to the ceiling whilst Amelia decided that Kate was after she gave hers a double flip.

Either way they had plenty of pancakes to eat before they went to meet Alexis

The day was mercifully sunny and the park thankfully quiet, or at least as quiet as a park in New York could be. Castle had laid out a blanket for them to sit on whilst they waited for Alexis to meet them. They picked a spot in the shade of a big tree and in view of a small play-park so that Amelia and James were free to play whilst the adults talked.

They had decided that, due to their past history with disgraced cops, the precinct wouldn't be a safe place to take out the investigation, never mind all of the legislation that would come with it. Kate couldn't wait to get back to the place where she felt at home, but she wasn't ready to see anyone else yet. She also had no idea where she stood in the precinct, if she was still liked, or what sort of captain she was. Until they had built a case they would keep it to themselves. It had worked before and it would work again. It had to.

Kate was lying next to Melody and trying to catch her feet as her daughter kicked around in excitement, when Alexis finally arrived. They greeted each other and Alexis quickly fell into conversation with her dad. Kate picked out a few words of their conversation over the giggling from her daughter and couldn't help but smile. Castle was being his reassuring, caring self. She had always loved seeing him as a father to Alexis and was so glad that nothing had changed, that their relationship was now healed.

But she had to be the bad guy and interrupt, "I'm sorry but we really need to get a move on with our talk before James gets bored," she admitted.

Castle and Alexis immediately stopped and turned to face her. "You're right Kate sorry,"Alexis apologized.

"Don't be sorry," Kate told her. She met Castle's gaze and knew it was time to continue. "I've been thinking. We should look at this as a murder case. Its where our specialty is and it isn't much different."

"Except there is no body, we know who did it and have no solid evidence to show for it." Alexis interrupted. She said it in a confident way suggesting that she too had been thinking along the same line.

"Yes but we aren't looking for evidence to put him at the scene we are looking for evidence that will help us find him now." Kate looked to Castle for help.

"What sort of evidence Kate?" Castle asked. She was taken aback at that, Castle trying to be helpful and not coming up with random theories.

"ID?" Kate suggested.

Alexis shook her head, "He took everything. By the time I got home all of his things were gone. "

"That rules out DNA then." Kate sighed and ran her hand through her hair. If they weren't sitting in a park Castle would swear that they were at the precinct solving a murder case.

"Why would we need DNA?" Alexis asked. "How would that help us find him?"

"Run it through the Database see if he has left any DNA at a scene somewhere else." Castle and Beckett replied at the same time.

"He's on the run chances are he's done something criminal." Kate finished, the blush on her cheeks the only sign that she had realized what they just did. "Are you sure you don't have any clothing of his? An odd sock? A toothbrush?" she pushed. Evidence like this was really their only chance of finding him if they wanted to do so quickly.

Alexis shook her head no.

"What about on your clothes?" Castle suggested. "He was your partner he must have left a trace somewhere."

"But how would I know? I've washed my clothes. Plus a hair could belong to anyone?" Alexis shoulders dropped, followed by her head, sending a red curtain around her face. She couldn't help but think that if she had started this sooner, they would have had so much more to go on.

"What about your clothes from that night? " Kate suggested. She knew that hers were disposed of in the hospital but if they hadn't been she probably would never have worn them again. She assumed Alexis would have thrown hers out but if she hadn't she wouldn't have worn them either.

Alexis' eyes widened in shock at herself for forgetting something obvious. As she did so Kate got a small glimpse of her son in his half-sisters face."I've still got the top and skirt at the back of my wardrobe. They're in a bag. It seems silly but I felt that I needed a reminder that I couldn't move on until I had told the truth, so I never threw them out."

The small family grinned at each other. Melody must have guessed that something exciting was going on for she started gurgling away to herself.

Kate grinned. "I suppose we put up a fight didn't we?" She asked.

Alexis nodded, she too now smiling."You scratched his cheek with your ring when you punched him." She said. "His blood must be on my top if not a hair."

The family smiled as they looked at each other. Their first clue in catching him might be just around the corner.


End file.
